The Mangina Monologues

Moving Day!

2007-05-29T08:15:00.000-04:00

The 'gina has left the building!

Almost.

I'm switching things over to wordpress today, so please visit me there.
And yes, this means that all you lazy manginas out there are now gonna have to update your blogrolls with my new digs name:

www.manginamonologues.wordpress.com

Yeah. Shocking that the name wasn't already taken.

Thinking of a new blog...

2007-05-27T13:18:00.000-04:00

I know people are going to say that I'm copying Kyle from over at stageright-stageleft (now atomicpop!), but I'm not. I'm just a bit bored with the 'gina. And blogger. And things in general. Plus all the cool kids are changing to wordpress... and the slightly more nerdy are creating their own websites from scratch.

I'll be scamming off wordpress, thank you very much.

Every so often I need change, so I'm gonna do it. I've actually been toying with the idea for over a week now. And I tried creating a rough cut over at wordpress, but I'm not happy with it. Plus my mac and wordpress are having a bit of a tiff, and wordpress keeps shutting down my browser (safari).

What a pisser!

The name of my blog may change, but I'm still up in the air a bit about exacty WHAT I'm going to change it into. Or maybe I'll keep trusty, ol' mangina and just reformat the thing.

Dunno.

But what I do know is that strange things are afoot at the Circle K.

Bizarre Ass Dream

2007-05-26T10:38:00.001-04:00

Ok- so this morning I had an extended dream sequence that involved me being sent to prison for exceeding the window-treatment weight at an event that I had planned. Evidently I had gone over the limit by 2.6 kilograms, and was summarily imprisoned for 5 years... no parole. There was no trial- I was just hauled off.

Highlights of the dream include:

My parents watched me get carted off to prison. Their main concern that they yelled to me as I was being taken away in cuffs was, "How are we going to explain this to the family??"

The prison was actually a converted hotel that was attached to the hotel where I was hosting the event. (It was a campaign fundraiser for something). Very Nathan Petrelli in Heroes, with streamers and crepe paper and balloons and some seriously fabulous muslin window drapery.

My cell was really a hotel room that was very 80's decorated with jeweltones. It had a window that looked out on the city (I think it was Des Moines). My room was up on the 12th floor.

While sitting in bed, all distraught from being jailed, I called this guy Brian (an actual, rather creepy guy I work with) for comfort at 12 am on the night of my imprisonment. He was understanding but distant, told me everything would work out, etc...and then I realized that I shouldn't have called him so late and woken him up. I apologized and hung up.

Stanley Tucci was in a room right down the hall. He was giving me the lay of the land and telling me which guards to avoid and which rooms as we walked the halls. He was wearing a wifebeater and I remember that his advice was really solid.

I watched the guards bring in two asian hookers-- they weren't wearing any pants and they were lifted in on plush chairs.

The "room" I was to avoid was the guard's "fun room". One of the guards (another actual, kinda cute guy I work with) had a kink where he liked to be blown by asian hookers while pretending to flyfish. He even had the rod and reel and was casting across the room while wearing hip waders and nothing else.

That's MISTER snotty faggot to you!

2007-05-25T17:31:00.005-04:00

So here are my new glasses. Whaddaya think?

Ok, I lied again...

2007-05-25T15:11:00.000-04:00

About a couple things, actually.

(1) Although I AM in love with Joey Fatone, I am MORE in love with Rufus Wainwright.

(2) Although I DO plan to get the Rogue Traders album, the album I wanted even MORE was Rufus's "Release The Stars".

I took a half day off work in order to prepare for a completely relaxing 3 day weekend (technically now 3.5 days). Its funny that I still ended up working a 45 hour week and took a half day. (I know people work more than that, but I sure as hell don't like to and when I do I feel I can bitch about it).

Anyhoo- with my half day, I went to the mall and picked up a few essentials. I got new glasses (after about 3 years), I picked up the book "Son of a Witch" (sequel to Wicked), and I got the new Rufus CD. Which I'm listening to as I type this.

And crushing on him even more.

After hearing the first song only, I know that even if the rest of the album is crap I know it will have been worth the 14.99. I cannot express how much I LOVE the first song (Do I Disappoint You). Its sheer brilliance!

The rest of the album has been VERY good so far-- I'm on like track 6 or so.

So in love.....

New Favourite Band

2007-05-25T08:53:00.000-04:00

My new flavour-rite group is the Rogue Traders.

I haven't actually purchased a CD in about a year- as I prefer to download selected tracks via iTunes with my iTunes Christmas giftcards. But this group may warrant a full-on album purchase!

Granted I have only heard fragments of two of their songs, thanks to Old Navy commercials (ew! does anyone STILL shop at Old Navy??) but me likey what I've heard. They are deliciously dancy / alt-rocky.

I do love dance music that doesn't SOUND like club dance music.

Ok, that's a bit of a lie. I also love me some 90's house diva vocal kickin' club dance music. But only because that's when I came out and its the music of my gay youth.

Anyway, I'm looking for the Rogue Traders to blow up in the States-- thanks to 30-second commercial snippets of their brilliance accompanying strutting, bikini-clad women and boardshorted HAWT menssss.

Oh, and yeah, I did go ahead and download the ONE available track on iTunes already. But c'mon! Put the whole album on iTunes for allah's sake!

MiniJake Update

2007-05-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

MiniJake just came to my office at work for a quickie... quickie Meeting, that is. (Damn!)

He is so flippin' cute, its nauseating. And hell, every time I see him I find myself with 'lust in my heart'. Its really quite distracting; he needs to go back to school.

Today he sat in my office and we talked about a project he's working on for the summer. He was wearing those fucking, tight jeans again (and a little navy blue polo shirt!) The boy has a tight little body on him, too.

Even one of my favorite employees commented on MiniJake's jeans today. She said, "Lookit him in dem tightass jeans. Mmmm mmmm. I should aks him if I can borrow that 79 cent I can see in his front pocket."

I nearly lost my shit on that comment!

Anyway, because the chair he was sitting in (in my office) just happens to face my desk-- well, I may have also looked 'down there', too.

I think he's worked for UPS before, because his package was nicely wrapped and well presented.

Sigh.

Anyway, so as we walked out onto the manufacturing floor, I held the door open for him so he could get in front of me. I held my breath, looked at his jeans tag for a size... and it was one of those new pair that doesn't have the size printed on it.

Shit.

Can I be a loser?

2007-05-24T07:20:00.000-04:00

Pride festivities are but a month away, so I've started my campaign to lose weight. Because as everyone knows, you can't participate in Pride if you are indulging in gluttony and sloth at the same time!

Also- everyone knows that Pride is all about looking good and being thin. Pride is not for "fatties" or "average joes" or even for friends who want to hang out and "just have fun". No, Pride is only for people who are hot. Being thin is 'hot'. And when you are hot, you can chat up other hot pridegoers and bask in each others respective hotness. And then sneak off to do the nasty in a porta-john.

But I digress-- mainly because I'm hungry and cranky.

Yeah, I'm doing my own version of Atkins. Basically eating broccoli and tuna until I drop 50 pounds. Pluses: meat and veggies are healthy. Minuses: the gaseous clouds produced by the meat and veggies are highly toxic.

I may do weekly postings of weight loss (gain?) a la Kelly. But at this point, I'm almost too big to get on a scale.

Well, to get on a scale and not cry anyway...

I've got a secret....

2007-05-23T08:00:00.000-04:00

I'm in love with Joey Fatone.

Completely in love with, head over heels for, have lust in my heart and am crushing on Joey. My feelings for him bubbled over while watching "Dancing With The Stars" for the past couple of weeks. I just love watching him perform.

And when they show him goofing around and being a ham in those 'behind the scene' vignettes--- well, my heart just melts.

And my jeans get tight.

You see, its the fact that he's basically just a big kid. I absolutely love guys like that! The men who are always joking around, being big goofballs, trying to make me laugh, etc are the ones that find their way to my heart.

I also like him physically. He's beefier than his twinky, Nsync bretheren, and I love the beard look on him. Plus- I gotta say I love his eyes when he smiles. Men who get that type of crinkley eyes when they smile just bowl me over.

Yeah- I know what everyone is thinking. I'm a big ol' gurl writing about Joey like this. But I don't care who knows anymore.

I'm out and I'm proud.

And I love Joey Fatone!

Hello Titty

2007-05-22T07:23:00.001-04:00

Hello Kitty breast exam. Enough said.

Jihad Jesus

2007-05-21T10:53:00.001-04:00

I love adulterating already adulterated images stolen from a google search. Its one of my secret joys. I think I'll start posting more of them.

This one is "Jihad Jesus". And really- who WOULDN'T Jesus Jihad?

At some point, I'm really going to have to do a "Jews for Jihad" picture too.

Weekend Recap (plus and minus style)

2007-05-21T08:42:00.000-04:00

Friday Night: bike riding and dinner with big dick boy (BDB).

Pluses: got excercise, had good ethiopian food
Minuses: conversation was stilted, some behavior was awkward, sex not even on the table

Saturday Afternoon: shopping with friend Kev-kev

Pluses: found potential new eyeglasses (D&G), bought cheap shirts, picked up new cologne at Aveda
Minuses: Kev-Kev didn't find anything, D&G glasses are expensive and I didn't have my prescription with me

Saturday Night: gay bars with Kev-Kev

Pluses: $2 domestics at the leather bar, lots of Kev-Kev's friends were out, two of Kev's friends want to sleep with him, there was NO beareoke singing, I met a guy
Minuses: Kev got hit on by an asshole, low amount of talent present, ran into Kev's ex, I nearly missed out on meeting the guy because I was chickenshit

Saturday Night part 2: the guy

Pluses: plays drums, played football in high school, ex band director, LOVES drum and bugle corps (marched in one), cute, good kisser

Minuses: Lives 35 minutes away, works insane hours, breeds chihuahuas, recently out of a 3 year relationship, still lives with ex

Sunday: worked

Pluses: none
Minuses: don't get paid for it, pissed away most of Sunday, missed gorgeous day

Noone Mourns the Wicked

2007-05-19T10:51:00.001-04:00

The woman who made my life an absolute hell for the past 9 months at work is leaving, and I can't say I'm that broken up about it.

She honestly was very difficult to get along with. Sometimes nice as pie, sometimes absolutely cruel and sadistic. All that was missing from her was the pointy hat and the green skin (I swear to Buddha she had a broom and a crystal ball stashed somewhere in that office!)

She was famous for working my last nerve- on just about a daily basis. On a lot of points I would actually agree with her philosophy-- but then she would take that philosophy in her iron claw, crunch it up tightly, and then insert it into one of my orifices. My biggest pet peeve was that she just wouldn't listen to me when I would offer suggestions or alternatives. It was her way only, and she made sure you felt every inch of 'that way'. And she wasn't my direct boss, but she sure acted like it with all the delegation she directed at me.

I can't tell you how many times I wanted her to get her comeuppance. And now she is.

Oddly enough, I do have a kernel of guilt about her leaving. I don't think it was a decision that was entirely her own-- and our department probably had something to do with that. DId I give her enough of a chance? (Yes, I think so). But in a twisted way I think her departure is a shame.

I work in an intensely 'good ol' boy' environment. It is predominantly white male, with narry a woman or person of color in sight (except for Indians--but they only get to be engineers). And no fags (Allah help them if there were an honest to goodness homoxule working there!)

I am a big proponent of diversity in the workplace... and where I work isn't so diverse. At least in the upper echelons. And mid-echelons. And my group.

Now the only problem I face is... what's going to take her place?

Hot Hunk Haiku #1001

2007-05-18T07:48:00.001-04:00

Ultimate Fighting
How fucking tough is THAT shit?
Donkey-punch me, stud!

MiniJake Update #2

2007-05-17T13:06:00.000-04:00

Ok- so MiniJake has on THE TIGHTEST faded bluejeans today. They might be levi's (god willing) so I may get a glimpse of the tag!

We chatted together while walking down the aisle today (I was basically goofing with him about calling him for lunch but him not being available). This stems from an accidental phone conversation this morning.

I dialed his extension by mistake (truly!) and hung up immediately. He called me back and wanted to know why I called and what I needed (ahem!). I explained that, although he was quite charming- I hadn't called him on purpose.

He is so fucking cute! And so far out of my league it isn't funny.

Evicted.

2007-05-17T07:46:00.000-04:00

Recently I discovered that I had a wee, sleekit, cowr'in, tim'rous houseguest. At some point, a mouse had decided to become my roommate of sorts.

I discovered him, when he ran part of the way into my TV room, looked at me, then ran back out and down my hall. Seriously freaked my ass out a little bit as it was most unexpected.

I named him "Philippe".

Now, I'm not too afraid of mice- but that doesn't mean that I want him living in my house, chewing up my walls, and running across my feet when I least expect it. I wanted Philippe gone.

But I also couldn't kill him.

I don't do 'death'. I never kill things on purpose if I can avoid it (exception: roaches and those nasty jumping crickets). In my house, spiders and all manner of other creatures experience a 'live and let live' attitude. Many times I'll catch my visitors and release them outside.

So I went to Lowes and purchased one of the 'live catch' traps. I was skeptical as to whether it would work-- with the spring loaded metal trap door contraption, etc it looked complicated and somewhat doubtful that a mouse would enter it.

I baited the trap and placed it in my living room (adjacent to my kitchen) and waited. I checked the trap for 3 days and nothing.

And then yesterday afternoon I got home, was getting ready to go work out and I thought, "hey, i'd better check the trap." I picked it up and lo! Philippe was inside!

So I walked the trap outdoors, away from my house to a wooded area in my neighborhood, and then slid the cover back. Phillippe was naturally scared (and stinky!) but with a little shake of the box he sprang out of there like his tail was on fire and his ass was catching!

I do feel a bit guilty now- as I am imagining Philippe moving from a nice, safe environment to 'the wild' where owls and other predators can get him. But I really didn't want him in my house.

Oh, and I've reset the trap- just in case there is a Philippe II.

MiniJake Update

2007-05-16T15:38:00.000-04:00

As I was heading to lunch today, MiniJake was heading to lunch too. I sped up to see if I could see his jeans tag to confirm his waist size.

No dice.

But I DID manage to get TWO looks from him as I got into my car. I had an up front spot today, and he looked over once as I remotely unlocked my doors, and then once again as I was sliding in.

He even smiled at me.

(sigh)

11. Thou shalt not covet thy Co-Op

2007-05-16T08:57:00.000-04:00

We have a co-op working for us at the moment who is just so cute you just want to... well... ya just want to fuck the daylights out of him!

His name is Jeff and he looks exactly like Jake Gyllenhall (if you shrunk Jake down by one-third). Seriously, the kid has the same dark hair, the same sad blue eyes, the same eyelashes for days, the same no-body fat. No stubble though- I doubt the kid can grow facial hair. Other than that, the kid honestly looks like Jake after a shrink ray.

Jeff (aka MiniJake) can NOT have a waist larger than a 28. Personally I think its more like a boy's size 14 but I can't tell for sure. And he wears those 14's snug and always has on a tight polo shirt. When I see him walking in the plant, I can't help but follow him (he's just so adorable!) Yes- he's adorable like a puppy.

A cute, fuckable puppy.

And I definitely get a blip on my gaydar from him- its either that or a severe case of metrosexuality. He is always very tidy and well kept. On the rare occasion that I do chat with him, I only have my flirting set to "medium" because he is still merely a child (aka a college student). He does find my childish antics (making farting noises with my hands) to be very funny.

He's such a doll!

Is it wrong for me to want to demonstrate with him precisely what the term "spinner" means?

La Mordida

2007-05-15T07:23:00.000-04:00

I nearly forgot to write about how I narrowly escaped being thrown into a Mexican prison during my recent visit.

While traveling about the countryside in a minivan (the horror!) I used my Mexican chaperone for the occasional spanish lesson. I would read billboards as we passed (to work on my accent and pronunciation) and then translate it for him. If i couldn't translate it, I would ask.

On the way to Queretero, we saw a billboard that used the term "mordida". I wasn't sure what this meant and here is the definition: "LA MORDIDA, translation "the bite" is the term used for a bribe in this country. It is the traditional and customary way of getting things done."

The billboard was asking the good people of Mexico to 'just say no' to bribery.

The following day we head for Mexico City- the big, stinking, polluted, cesspool that it is. We passed through a toll plaza / checkpoint on the outskirts of the city (60 km from downtown and 2 km from our destination). As SOON as we are through the toll, we are pulled over by the cops.

Three cops approach the vehicle and some rapid spanish ensues. These were not the hot-variety state trooper cops we get in America either. These were some rode-hard-put-up-wet motherfuckers. The toughest of them all was a woman. There was an exchange in very rapid spanish, followed by some frantic searching for all the correct documentation for our company car (which wasn't present).

When the cops walk away for a brief moment, my chaperone fills me in. Evidently there is a law in Mexico City that on certain days, if your license plate does not end with the correct digit, you are not allowed to drive. On this day, we were "illegal" in the city. And naturally they let us enter the city limits before telling us that.

The long and short of it is the police wanted a 'mordida' or they were going to take us to jail and impound the car. This is when I started to get nervous. They wanted 2000 pesos (~200 dollars) or we were arrested. We had a grand total of 1700 pesos only.

As much as I fantasize about being gang-raped in prison by either Chris Meloni or a bunch of guys who look like the Brotherhood from the HBO show "Oz" (not Schillenger- the OTHER ones), I know that I really don't want to go to prison. I also know that the likelihood of the gang-rapists in a Mexican prision being hot, sexy, shaved-head, goateed and tattooed men is very small.

And lets face it, I'm too pretty for the type of men I'd get there!

Anyway, after an hour or negotiations, we ended up paying the cops most of what we had on us. One of them crawled into the van to help escort us back through the toll plaza.

Then we parked on the side of the road and had to call the people at the company we were slated to visit to come pick us up. It was all very upsetting and frustrating.

Plus, how does one fill out an expense report to recoup a "mordida"? I'm pretty sure there isn't a line item for 'bribe' on the form.

Nursery Rhymes

2007-05-14T07:39:00.000-04:00

My parents had quite the sense of humor when I was little; one way in which it manifested was through the corruption of nursery rhymes.

Since I was their only child, I'm guessing that they thought of me more as a toy than a boy. So they chose to inflict me with their adult humor fairly frequently. One of their most cherished ways was how they 'adulterated' all the endings of nursery rhymes for me.

Here are the two that I remember most to this day:

Little Jack Horner sat in a corner eating his christmas pie,
He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum and said,
"Yuck! There's a PLUM on my thumb!"

Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet eating her curds and whey
When along came a spider who sat down beside her and she screamed,
"EEEEEKKK! There's a SPIDER beside me!!!!"

Notice a theme?

Naturally these would be accompanied by the appropriate facial expressions, swatting motions, and general pantomiming much to the giggling delight of their knowledge-thirsty three year old child.

Oh, and I'm sure my parents secretly howled with pleasure at their cleverness, relishing the fact that their kid loved the rhymes but also smuggly loving the whole seditious act of smudging these historic ditties.

The problem with this should be obvious; I never learned the REAL endings to the nursery rhymes. I think I was twenty or so before I learned the real last line for the Jack Horner one. To this day I don't know the correct ending for Little Miss Muffett.

And people wonder why I'm fucked up?

Date Nite

2007-05-13T10:19:00.000-04:00

I had a date on Saturday night--- but first let me tell you about 'game night' on Friday.

My friends here in NC occasionally host what we call "game nights". The primary purpose of game night is to get together and have laughs and drink and generally make fools out of ourselves playing party-time board games. The second (and more insidious) purpose of game night I am convinced is to give couples a great way of showing off their coupledom to their single friends... AND to create a social activity away from 'the bars'.

At said game night were the following people: BillnAustin (the hosts), StephanienGreg, RobnJonathan, FranknLarry, and Narissa and of course me. Narissa and I naturally get paired together on teams because we are single. I love her- as she is a sarcastic, smart, competitive, trash-talking (yet in a nice way), heavyset, heterosexual black girl (aka fag hag).

While playing the games and watching all of the (cr)happy couples I suddenly realized that I am the gay equivalent of a fag hag. Fun, and nice enough, but always single. What the hell am I called-- fag stag? fag gag??

Game night was fun, but also a bit depressing as everyone left in their respective coupleness to go do couple things.

Anyway...

So I got online and whored a bit that night after I got home. And online was a very nice guy with whom I started a chat. My age, stocky build, published music composer (wow!), likes rollercoasters, midwestern breeding stock, well educated, etc. Pretty interesting bait, so I bit.

Naturally he's from Michigan and only visiting.

We actually did the "phone test" that night and chatted for over an hour about a whole myriad of things-- not just sex stuff. We agreed to meet on saturday evening after he had finished work. Sushi was had (what better way for two fags to start a date than to put raw fish in their mouths), beer was had, and then I took him back to my place.

He shared some of his music with me (contemporary vocal stuff-- christian bent, but also classical in a way, i liked it) and I got up the nerve to share my music with him. He was insanely helpful by actually studying my scores and offering suggestions on percussion scoring/writing, notation things, and he also had ideas about possible things to add. He actually listened to it as someone who is a composer and who has studied film scoring as USC and stuff.

Then we shagged.

Well, not 'shagged' per se, but we made out with some 'lower' making out. But not much happened all things considered. He was tired. I was tired. We then watched "Night Listener"--which was kind of a freaky movie-- and then he left to go back to his friend's house where he was staying. At this point, I know he's on a plane back to Michigan.

A good date, but no future, which is fairly usual for me. We agreed to keep in touch, and I think it is a good thing for me to actually know a published composer- and not just for the free advice either. But mostly for the free advice.

Now its Sunday, and I'm back to being a 'fag gag'.

Go Meat!

2007-05-11T10:31:00.000-04:00

I'm in love with the new Hillshire Farm ad campaign! The woman in the cubicle making the salad with her coworkers doing a very "bring it on" cheer routine in the background makes me giggle every time I see it.

There is a youtube version out there (or you can watch it here.

The lyrics go something like this:

Go meat, meat
Go meat, meat
Go meat, meat
That salad rocks! The best!
Make it easy at your desk
Its second - to none
Just add lettuce and you're done
Its crazy girl, I swear
There's so much stuff in there!
S-s-s-s-salad, yeah!
Ma-Meaty salad!
Why? Because you're hungry
You're hungry!
Yo momma says you hungry!

When I say "hillshire" you say "farm"
Hillshire!
Farm!

Go meat!

This shit cracks me up! I'm now going around saying "Go Meat" replete with the cheerleading arm thrust.

I'm so gay.

Hot Hunk Haiku # 6.02 X 10^23

2007-05-10T15:54:00.000-04:00

Don't aim for his face!
Too pretty for a boxer
How big are your fists?

Fucking MEMEs

2007-05-09T15:11:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I got tagged too. With the 10 Things About You meme thingy. I used to have a 50 things about me sidebar area, but I got rid of that. So ok- here are ten, slight-more-obscure things about me:

1) I occasionally have nightmares about tornadoes. My town was hit severely when I was 5, and it was a very traumatic experience for me. So much so that every time a storm rolled through (in Iowa in the summer, there are plenty) I would freak out. I eventually got to where I love storms, but I still have bad dreams about seeing a tornado coming at me and not being able to move or scream.

2) I once shared the stage with Ana Gasteyer from SNL. It was in college (we went to the same university) and it was during a comedy improv show. It was just a brief moment, but a moment nonetheless.

3) I fainted the first time I inserted a dildo. Yup- I was about 23 and I had gone to an adult bookstore and purchased what I thought was a respectable sized, anatomically correct, veined thingy. I greased it up with vaseline, set it on the back of the closed toilet lid, and tried to squat down on it. I think it was a combination of pain, nervousness, anxiousness, and sexual desire but my vision fuzzed out and I woke up a few seconds later on the tile floor with a bump on my head and a dildo in my ass.

4) I was academically dishonest in a couple exams in college. I tried to bring notes into an art history exam and a calculus exam. Neither cribnotes helped me much.

5) Worst moment in high school was when I learned that I wasn't selected to be a drum major of our high school band. And then overhearing my "friends" talking about it and being overly glad that I wasn't chosen. I went home and cried-- I was 16.

6) Best moment in high school was when I got to understudy the romantic lead in the school play because the lead got mono. He ended up getting better and I resumed my old role-- but after the play the director pulled me aside and told me that he made a mistake in casting. He said he never initially thought I could pull off the lead, but that I was by far and away the better performer and he was sorry I didn't get the chance to show that to the audience.

7) One of my most embarassing moments was when I accidently left my mom's playgirl out on her bed after "finishing" using it. I got a phone call and forgot to put it away. She found it out when she got home and asked me about it. Whoops.

8) The first time I came I was 15 and watching saturday morning cartoons (Superfriends). It surprised me and I started freaking out hoping that I had the chance to clean it up before my mom and dad woke up and came out to the living room.

9) I used to refuse to use any bathroom that wasn't the one in my house when I was growing up. During all of gradeschool, I never went to the boys bathroom. I held it all day until I could get home. This sometimes made walking home from school difficult.

10) I secretly try to touch the artwork in museums. I love to sneak a touch of a sculpture or exhibit. My goal one day is to touch the paint on a Van Gogh.

Well, I've scared off another one...

2007-05-09T08:06:00.000-04:00

I seem to have a lot of trouble dating.

"Dating" for a night (or a few hours) I seem to handle with absolutely no problem- but anything much longer than a week and everything just sort of implodes. The most recent iron in the fire-- big dick boy (BDB for short)-- is cooling off rapidly.

It all started with the desperate 'booty call' that I placed shortly after my father and uncle had left my house. To be fair, I was very pent up after the weeks I'd had and needed some release. So I called BDB and left him a voice message detailing precicely how very pent up I was.

I didn't hear back.

Well- not until the email telling me that I had creeped him out and that all I seemed to want was sex and that wasn't him and he wanted more and if I was just all about sex then this wasn't going in the direction he wanted yadda yadda yadda. This coming from the guy who's every email to me has some sort of sexual innuendo in it. And also from the guy who has tried to poopstab me every time we're together- regardless whether I'm prepared for it or not.

Hmmmm. Methinks it was just the "I want to get out of this and this opportunity presented itself" email.

And then I went to Mexico and was out of the picture for a week, cooling things off even further. When we email or talk now, there is an awkwardness to it that wasn't there before.

No big whoop, though. I can deal. What's funny though, is that as much as everyone thinks I'm all about the sex, I much more tend to be the guy that loves to sit on the couch (with another guy) eat pizza and watch tv- with the occasional cuddle thown in. Heck, I only jack off 3 or 4 timea a week- its not like I'm "All Sex- All the Time" or anything. Of course not-alone-sex is a good thing, but after about 8 pm at night, I'm in the 'gettin' ready to go to sleep' zone.

My sex zone is definitely from about 3pm to 7 pm. I don't like sex early in the morning or late at night (unless I can be assured of plenty of uninterrupted sleeping-in the next day). Early morning I'm cranky and need coffee. After 8pm I want to watch TV and relax-- sometimes sex is just too much fucking work right before bed!

Oh, and waking me up in the night for sex is RIGHT OUT. I hate that- and its an excellent way for the 'waker' to lose an appenadge.

Another thing- I am a fan of the quickie. All the pleasure, none of the time... that sort of deal. "Me love you long time" sessions are ok for me on occasion, but once again-- a lot of fucking work. I'd rather do it three times in two hours with breaks than one, three-hour tour. I think BDB leaned more toward the latter.

Anywoo- after a few tentative emails and explanations of our viewpoints and a few brief phone conversations, I can tell its over with BDB. Not COMPLETELY over, but definitely in the stage of "I'll call you later" and then not calling later. Or ever.

Its a shame too--- the penis was rather nice.

I hate fugly babies

2007-05-07T11:08:00.000-04:00

Our local news affiliate was all atwitter because a local boy was recently named as having 'the Best Smile in America'. According to Reader's Digest, that is.

Well, looking at the picture I can see how the good folks at R.D. would have chosen this "charmer" out of the myriad of photos that I'm sure they received. I mean, doesn't this photo just scream "I should be in every bathroom in America"?

Seriously, does this kid have a fucked up mouth or what? I swear the thing looks like an alien from that tv show "V"-- possibly even Close Encounters. Looking at those bulgy eyes and the gaping mouth just creeps me out a little. I don't find myself thinking "what a great smile!" I find myself thinking, "Why wasn't it tied up in a sack and taken to the river?"

The mother cooed all the way through the interview "He's just so photogenic; I take pictures of him all day long!"

Yeah. Photogenic like an Iraqi market bombing.

Mortality

2007-05-07T08:16:00.000-04:00

I came back to work today to discover that a guy that I worked with died last week.

Normally I am relatively unphased by death, especially when its the a death of a person with whom I am only generally acquainted in a work sense. Heck, I didn't even work closely with this guy, and whole weeks would go by without me even seeing him. However, this one hit me differently and I'm very distressed about it.

His name was Giles and I always had a bit of a crush on him. He was a definite redneck, handsome, worked in our toolroom and in maintenance, he was around my age, married, with a ton of kids (one of those uber-breeders). But Giles was always a bit different in that he was... well, he was just nice.

I mean ULTRA nice-- sweet even. Never angry or pissy, he would always be smiling, laughing, and joking around. He would joke around with you and make you feel comfortable, even if you didn't know him all that well. And I mean he was ALWAYS laughing, so much so that his nickname was "Jolly". No lie, everyone called him Jolly.

His laugh and smile were infectious. You couldn't help but just be pulled in by his twinkling eyes and his sort of giggle. I'll miss that.

What makes it so much more difficult to cope with for me is the way he died. He crashed into the back of a logging truck on a road he's driven a million times before. We have a lot of logging trucks down here-- old, crappy trucks that haul big pine trees to the paper mills. They naturally overload the trucks, and trees stick out the back sometimes 10 or 15 feet, with only a small red flag tied to the furthest point.

But this logging truck didn't have working taillights. And it had just pulled out onto the road, so it was going slow with its heavy load of trees, trying to accelerate.

Jolly crashed his car into the back end of the logging truck- with all the trees sticking out the back.

My stomach is a knot right now that won't untie.

Mural Mural on the Wall...

2007-05-06T10:56:00.000-04:00

In Aguascalientes, we had the opportunity to visit the government office building during labor day. Of course nobody was working, but we were still allowed to walk around the building. The walls inside are all decorated by these murals depicting the history of mexico. They were absolutely incredible, with so many ideas and images all crowded together. Here is a sampling of what I saw.

The first image is religious in context, but also i loved the naked uncutness of the image.. ahem. The next image shows the rich being greedy and profiting off the backs of the laborers, with revolution lurking, etc.

Loved the Aztec dragon image.

There was also an entire wall of industrial imagery. This was a closeup of part of the manufacturing area-- i loved the whirling sparks.

If only I could remember the muralist's name.

Fiesta San Marcos

2007-05-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

My trip to Mexico ever-so-fortunately coincided with their "labor day"-- which is May 1st. I thought this was odd seeing as how they have another holiday so close (Cinco de Mayo), right? As it turns out, May 5th is NOT a big deal in Mexico... who knew? Anyway, i digress.

I arrived in the charming city of Aguascalientes on April 30th. And not only has the town been celebrating their month long festival of San Marcos (April 15th to may 15th), the festival was in EXTRA FULL swing, as the next day was a holiday. My host took me to the festival to walk around. It basically takes over the entire center of town with bars and food stands and beer and cheap goods and carnies and beer and carnival rides and music and dancing and more beer. The picture above is of the Church of San Marcos.

The crush of people at the festival was insane! People of all ages crowded the streets, dancing and singing and drinking. There were babies and small children about, and we were there until after midnight. Everywhere you walked there was a group of musicians playing loudly to be heard over the OTHER group of musicians 10 feet away. The music of choice is called 'banda'- and its like all these mini marching bands plaing latin music.

There were two competing stages of activities and music and contests sponsored by the festival's two biggest sponsors (Corona/Budweiser and Sol). The stages are literally butting up against each other, and they have banks of speakers to outdo the other in volume. The stages each have a male MC and then very pretty girls and boys dressed up in their respective Corona or Sol outfits. Then they get drunk people to come on stage and make fools of themselves for the crowd. I think in the picture, they had just done a contest where a guy had to hold a girl (with her legs wrapped around his waist) and then do squats (simulating sex) while the crowd counted off the number of squats.

I drank a huge 2 liter cup of Sol beer and watched the fun. The Sol boys were hotter, but that pic didn't turn out.

At the festival- just outside the San Marcos gardens, there were tons of people walking around eating these huge ice cream bars that were dipped in what appeared to be strawberries and granulated sugar. They were on a popsicle stick and there was a small cardboard box at the base to capture the juices. Yum! The line was so long I figured it must be worth it. So I stood in line. I ordered the 'dulce' version (extra sweet!) and walked out with my prize. I took a bite.

And nearly spit it out.

It was NOT ice cream at all-- but jicama. Basically a slab of mexican potato on a stick. And the strawberries? Nope-- it was a red chili sauce of sorts... with sugar and salt mixed for the granules. It was honestly fairly disgusting-- and spicy. I managed to eat about a third of it before chucking it slyly into a garbage can.

This was just my 2nd full day in Mexico.

... and I'm Spent.

2007-05-04T17:42:00.000-04:00

And so I'm back... from outer space...

Or in this case, Mexico.

I'm sure everyone missed me greatly, as I have not blogged in over a week (le gasp!!) But it was neither necessary nor prudent to travel with a laptop, so i didn't. Natually I have tons of (mis)adventures to relate (none involving sex) and I will no doubt pepper my blog with them in time. But for now, here's an ever-so-brief litany of observations about Mexico from a decidely gringo point of view:

Guadalajara is a big, stinking city
Aguascalientes and Queretaro are absolutely charming
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a catholic cathedral
A lot of the country is brown and dusty and arid
Nobody does a festival like the Mexicans
Everyone is friendly- especially if you learn a bit of spanish
Cervesa is muy cheap
Don't drive in Mexico City
Don't visit Mexico City
Don't tangle with the police in Mexico City (i'm just sayin...)
Never get the meat 'combo platter' at a restaurant
The small green peppers are insanely hot
Meal times are WAY fucked up (lunch after 2 pm??)
the ice cream is bueno
The stuff you might THINK is ice cream, might not be
Tight blue jeans are de rigeur for both men and women
NOBODY wears shorts-- not even in 90+ weather
Mexican men are the #1 consumer of hair gel and mousse products in the world
The 'eye contact' and 'turn and look' thing works in mexico
You can't swing a dead cat without hitting a bad moustache
Tequila with lunch is acceptable

More later. But for now I'm dying to eat my Tombstone pizza

They're no longer Heeeeerrrrreee

2007-04-28T11:22:00.000-04:00

Fat Uncle has left the building!

I now have my house completely to myself for approximately 17 more hours... before I leave for a week. My father and uncle did a nice job of picking up the house before they left. Of course they did all this starting at 5:30 am, thus making it very difficult to stay asleep on the couch.

Thank goodness I was able to go back to bed (my real bed!) for 2 hours after they left.

Now its packing, laundry, volleyball, piano practice, and then hopefully getting laid! Although the getting laid thing may prove to be a bit difficult. So far, no takers... not even Steven. (insert sad emoticon here).

Oh well, its a gorgeous day, I'm well shut of my relatives, and ready to play some outdoor volleyball and get my spike on!

Ginormous!

2007-04-27T08:23:00.000-04:00

Ok, maybe it wasn't as big as all THAT!

In order to ditch my father and uncle for a short time last night, I went to the gym and then went to band rehearsal. After a grueling workout on the elliptical trainer, I headed down for a well deserved shower and sauna. I head to the showers (this is at the Y, so they are 'gang showers') and I see a guy showering at the last showerhead. He's obviously a bit shy as he's spending a lot of time facing the corner. How cute!

He's sort of a dorky, middle-aged, semi-attractive, pasty-white dude from what I can see. Married. Mid 40's. Probably 6'2" or so. Decent shape (at least from behind).

I don't really recognize him (I see a lot of the same faces and cocks at the gym because I always tend to go at the same time) but I'm curious. So i leave a courtesy showerhead between us and start my ablutions.

And then he turns around.

Holy CHRIST! It was huge! I think it was quite possibly the largest flaccid penis I've ever seen in my life, no lie. Outside of porn or the digitally enhanced images on the net, that is.

Now I know the hot shower was helping to 'relax and elongate'-- but shit. This thing hung well past mid-thigh and was stretching for his kneecaps. So was his sack. It was seriously awe-inspiring and I couldn't stop staring. I mean I KNEW full well that it is poor form to blatantly STARE at another man's junk in a supposedly 'straight' shower situation. But hell-- whow could blame me?

Honestly, when I stared at the fucker I was thinking, "When did Hickory Farms open a store in the shower at the Y?" It was like a foot-long summer sausage hanging in a window display.

Unfortunately my staring did NOT go unnoticed. The poor guy saw that he was holding my attention (I think it was because my jaw had dropped and I had completely stopped soaping up) and he quickly rotated back to facing the corner-thus hiding his prize pecker.

He finished up soon after, wrapped up completely in a towel, and left the showers with his head down.

Dude! WTF man? I'd be swinging that fucker for everyone to see, head held high!

Geesh!

Hola, Me-HI-co!

2007-04-26T08:59:00.000-04:00

Guess who gets to go to Mexico next week?

Oh yes, after shooing my father and uncle from Chez Poubelle on Saturday morning, I will have approximately 20 hours to recuperate, do laundry, get laid, and get my shit in order before flying to sunny Mexico. On Sunday morning. At 6:00 am.

I've never been to Mexico (not even to Tijuana for a donkey show!) so it should be an adventure. Unfortunately I'll be travelling to 4 different suppliers and our sister manufacturing facility all in 4 days time. So lots of travel will be involved.

With the luck I've been having recently, I'm sure I'll be one of those American Business people who gets kidnapped and ransomed. And I doubt my company would even pay one peso to get me back.

Horni-B-Gon

2007-04-25T07:05:00.000-04:00

Well, THAT'S taken care of.

Got home yesterday afternoon-- dad and uncle were still out. Took care of business. Feel much better. It was a two-brawny paper towel cleanup.

Mmmmmmm.

Anyway- when I finally got home last night after my piano lesson and some grocery shopping, my uncle and father were firmly ensconced on my couch watching "V for Vendetta". They had also managed to screw up my surround sound to where it didn't work.

30 minutes later I had the surround sound fixed.

Then I asked how the golf went seeing as how they were playing a new course that I had chosen for them. Big mistake on my part. Huge. My father then decided to take the opportunity to tell me exactly how much he HATED the course and how awful the day was.

cb: So you DIDN'T like the course?

dad: It SUCKED!

cb: Was it in poor shape or something? Was it not nice?

dad: The fairways were narrow, there was shit in front of several tees that you had to hit over just to GET to the fairways.....

cb: So it was just a hard course. But uncle said you won.

dad: So what? The whole thing still sucked.

cb: Well then, perhaps you can set up your own golf from now on, since I did such a lousy job of scrambling to find you an alternative course since UNC was aerating.

What an ingrate!

Horny Boy

2007-04-24T07:51:00.000-04:00

When my dad and uncle come to town, I get horny.

Of course this is because I have no sexual outlets, no free time, no alone time and I get all pent up.
(yeah, you sicko perverts... I know what you were really thinking!)

Seriously, I'm horny because I basically become celibate when they are here. And its funny because I'm generally not that horny. But as soon as the freedom to act on my desires is curbed, THEN I get all crazy. I become sort of a walking, talking sexbomb...

The slightest whiff of testosterone and I go off.

Unfortunately today in my lab, there are two rather hunky contract workers doing some installation work. They are wearing their uniform (tight jeans and even tighter, black t-shirts displaying their company logo) and I'm going out of my mind. I watched them lift a heavy piece of equipment into place already, and the forearms on my favorite one were bulging so much...

... well, it caused a slight amount of secondary bulging on my part. AND a wet spot.

Seriously, the head guy (pun intended) is probably all of 26, blondish hair, buzzcut, goatee, blue blue eyes, 6' tall, stocky, arms for days, nice smile, a bit of junk in the trunk, t-shirt stretched tight, slight belly...

His buddy is slighter of build, tattoos on his forearms, wedding ring, dark hair, and redneck cute.

(cue the "I'm in Heaven" music)

I may have to sabotage their installation when they aren't looking so they have to do an extra day of troubleshooting.

Hot Hunk Haiku #28

2007-04-24T07:09:00.000-04:00

Big BoSox Youkilis
Swinging Bats and tagging bags
Let me past first base!

My Life on the Couch

2007-04-23T14:37:00.000-04:00

During the time when my uncle and father are in town, I crash on my davenport. The davenport is in my TV room, which just happens to be situated between my bedroom (where my dad stays) and my guest bedroom (where my uncle stays). The following is a play by play of my night last night.

11:00 pm-- lights out

11:20 pm-- still can't get comfy, have hardon- can't jack off with THEM in the house

12:45 am-- woken up by uncle's coughing jag in next room

12:46 am-- I decide to pee since I'm already awake

1:40 am-- Uncle gets up to pee, shines LED flashlight down hallway to see

4:15 am-- Dad gets up to pee, sneezes loudly twice while doing so

4:25 am-- dad still awake, sighs heavily every few minutes then clears throat

5:30 am-- Uncle gets up to pee, uses flashlight again

5:50 am-- Uncle goes to take dump and read, uses flashlight again

6:10 am-- alarm goes off. Uncle still in bathroom

6:15 am-- eating toast and waiting for bathroom to air out while uncle smokes out on front porch after satisfying dump

Reasons to Love the Durham Bulls

2007-04-22T22:15:00.000-04:00

I tend to always get seats along the first base line as close to the field as possible. I also try to get seats with a good view of the bullpen and the pitcher warmup area.

These are just a couple of the choice views that I snapped up with my camera. The pink unis are for Breast Cancer Awareness. You could see the pink jerseys through their white baseball pants.

Of course I'm sure my none-too-subtle photographic exploits did not escape the notice of my father and uncle.

This is just a snuck photo of a boy who was sitting with his girlfriend. They were in the row in front of me. Unfortunately I was never able to snap a pic of the cute 'bearish' guy sitting right next to me (1999 graduate of UNC, goatee, DKNY shorts, stocky, hunky-- looked a bit like Durban Bud. He was a fun seat mate.

They're Heeeeeeerrrrreeee

2007-04-22T09:19:00.000-04:00

My father and fat uncle arrived safely yesterday.

I have functioning water, so they were able to cancel their hotel reservations and stay with me. Joy. Rapture. Already I am looking forward to next Saturday when they leave, and the visit has barely even started!

Just so you realize, during this week-long visit, I will be spending every night on my couch as my uncle will be occupying the spare bed, and my father will be sleeping in my bed. Needless to say, this tends to make me rather grouchy.

Oh, and the farting games have already begun. My uncle's ass is highly toxic again (as usual), and during our provision-stocking trip to the local grocery store, my uncle beefed several while trotting down the aisles. And these polluted the ENTIRE ailse when he launched them! But the worst was when we were standing in the line to checkout.

Yes, he slipped out an SBD and violated the entire checkout lane.

And there were LOTS of other people waiting to check out. How fucking embarassing!!! Even I'm not that rude.

Oh,and then after all the drama and fiasco with my house the past few weeks, they had the gall to bitch about my jacuzzi not being operational. I'm not joking; they really whined about it. Instead of going off, I calmly informed them that they now had running water at my house, and didn't have to pay for a hotel.

And if that wasn't going to work that I was certain I could find them a hotel in the area with a jacuzzi.

Visit with Kyle

2007-04-20T08:57:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not know, Kyle from the stateright-stageleft blog came down to visit me last week.

Well, it was a visit/work trip, but who's complaining?

We had a nice time, despite the fact that he stayed with me from Thursday through Sunday morning and we had no water. I took him to a Durham Bulls game (where the Bulls won in the bottom of the 9th inning). We saw Duke Gardens. We went to the movie "Grindhouse" which was a ton of fun. We stole wireless from my neighbors. We did some shopping. We sauna'ed and showered at my gym (so he could see where all the "magic" happens-- even if we didn't partake in any). We ate greasy pizza and watched bad movies (do NOT rent the Spanish film Queens under any circumstances).

Even though he was fighting a cold and wanted a low-key weekend, I still felt like a lousy host. I wanted to take him to sushi. And for beers at my favorite pub. And possibly to Raleigh to explore things-- maybe even to our crappy leather bar so he could see just what I have to work with in the South. But no. The water thing was weighing heavily upon me, and I wasn't much fun to be around.

But Kyle was great, and as usual he brought me prezzies! Some gifts from the Milano show, and a super cool piece of art from the same store he bought his stuff. I cannot WAIT to get it framed (but I may have to due to monetary funds being directed elsewhere at the mo').

Do not let the above deter anyone else from scheduling a visit to NC. I don't always expect gifts from guests. And I promise I'll be a better host once I have running water to work with.

NC is indeed beautiful this time of year. Just ask Kyle.

Jury Duty Thursday

2007-04-19T10:47:00.000-04:00

So in the midst of all my many crises, I got a summons to Jury Duty.

My presence was requested at 8:30 am on this date, April 19th, 2007 at the Judicial Building in downtown Durham to potentially serve my civic duty and take part in jurisprudence. Here are some notes on my jury duty day....

First of all, the 8:30 am time was more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule, as the judicial building doesn't even open until that time. Then there's the process of herding everyone through a metal detector and x-ray scanner. Then the checkin process. Then sitting and waiting.

I will say that I saw a TON of fucking HOT sheriffs and deputies walking around in brown unis with guns and shaved heads and... woof! However, the jury pool did not contain a single hot guy. Or anyone else identifiably gay for that matter.

We eventually watched a lovely and informative video on the workings of the court system in NC. It was informative, and the police/bailiff actors were hunky hot on the thing. (God, I'm such a horny devil!) During the video I learned that NC uses a one day, one trial system. After which we would have the guarantee of not being called again for at least 2 years.

Then there was roll call and more sitting.

Shortly after 10 am, however, the clerk announced to us that out of court settlements had been reached and our services were no longer necessary. We were all dismissed.

I must say I'm a fraction disappointed by this, as I was daydreaming about sitting in a jury box, gazing at hunky bailiffs and prosecuting attourneys, and becoming the jury foreman, and taking notes, and seeing the Ally McBeal process of the whole thing.

But I do have a free day now, as I do not feel compelled to return to work after the excrutiating jury duty process.

*On an unrelated note, i should have my water issue fixed by thursday, I've arranged nearly all of my father's golf outings, the gutter guy is coming to give me a quote today, and I scheduled a car service appointment for next friday.

Perhaps the scales of justice are tipping in my favor??

Embarassing Moments

2007-04-18T07:35:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been walking through, say, your local grocery store when you see a guy that you THINK you know from somewhere and you do the whole chin-flip-hey-what's-up thing and then as you are walking away down the aisle you suddenly realize that you DO know the guy because you've blown him a couple times in your gym sauna and then you get that oh-shit feeling as you also realize the sorta heavy woman he was shopping with was his wife?

Yeah, me neither.

Blow bull win meat

2007-04-17T15:25:00.000-04:00

Our poor bull got blown yesterday.

Yes, due to the Nor'easter and the heavy wind field crossing North Carolina, the iconic Durham Bull (at the Durham Bulls ball park) lost his head and horns. We can rebuild him-- we have the technology.

Natually, the wind gusts also caused my neighborhood to lose power for 10 hours yesterday. Evidently, the NC powerlines can't handle windgusts up to 60 mph.

Pussies.

Thank Buddha that my power was restored shortly after 8 pm last night, so I at least got to watch some of "Drive".

Wishing Well: a saga

2007-04-16T17:02:00.000-04:00

Here I am wishing that my fucking well would still work.

I had to take a half day off work today to go to Durham's City Hall, in order to fill out paperwork to START the process of hooking up my house to city water. The forms and paperwork evidently had to be done in person and they took all of 10 minutes to fill out. They were filled out by 2:10 pm today.

The paperwork then should get entered into the system still today (monday) if the guy did it before 3 pm as he intended.

The city's computer system, however, won't generate a work order until sometime tomorrow.

Then the guy who puts the tap on the city water pipe gets the work order on WEDNESDAY. And then there is no guarantee as to when I will get water. Could be hooked up this week... could be as many as two... because mine is an emergency. Otherwise it could be four weeks.

I'm supposed to call the guy first thing on Wednesday to plead my case (i.e. beg).

My father and fat uncle are still planning on coming down for their spring golf visit this coming Saturday. I have done NONE of my usual prepwork for them. No tee times, no maps, no itinerary, no durham bulls tickets... nada.

I'm going insane.

Chez Poubelle Du Blanc

2007-04-14T11:19:00.000-04:00

Another in an ongoing series about how absolutely white trash my house is.

So Kyle (stageright-stageleft) is down here in NC for a visit-- actually more of a work visit, but he so kindly piggybacked it with an extended holiday in order to visit me. He has been staying at Chez Poubelle du Blanc since Thursday evening.

Thursday evening is also the same time that I lost the use of water in my house.

No, it wasn't from lack of bill payment; I'm on a well. And Thursday night just happened to be the time when my well pump decided to die an agonizing death. I immediately called and set up an appointment with a plumber for Friday morning.

Friday morning turned into Friday afternoon and Kyle and I had to wait around and fuck off an entire day basically waiting for the plumbers to call. Which they eventurally did but not until late afternoon.

The lovely plumber (and his hunky hispanic helper) determined that the well pump, the main switch, the tank, a filter system and some piping would all need to be replaced... all to a tune of a couple grand. OR-- I could bite the bullet and hook up to city water which would also cost a couple grand, but would be healthier since evidently the wells in my area were polluted by a leaky gas station underground holding tank (who knew???).

Naturally by the time the plumbers finished giving me this diagnosis, the time was 5 pm and the city of Durham water and sanitation offices were closed. Until Monday.

Fuck fuck fuckity fuck fuck.

So Kyle and I have been timing our frequent excursions into town with our bathroom urges so as to kill two birds with one stone. We also used my YMCA membership to gain shower access. Interim cleaning is done with wet wipes. All food has been take out and food containers are disposable. Poor Kyle! He comes down to visit, and its like he has travelled in time back to the 1800's, only with Pizza Hut.

The best part of the whole thing is that my father and fat uncle are STILL planning on coming down to stay with me for their annual golf visit-- next week. So somehow I have to manage getting the city out to hook me into the water main, and then having a plumber connect to my house the rest of the way, all before next Saturday rolls around.

And I'm supposed to have jury duty this coming week.

Is someone using a voodoo doll on me???

Hot Hunk Haiku #47

2007-04-13T15:52:00.000-04:00

Hot, Inked, Stud Rocker
Check those guns... and Lats for days!
Green Flag for my hole

Dark Fumblings

2007-04-12T16:07:00.000-04:00

After being admonished that I am not talking about sex enough, here is a brief teleplay of some activity that may or may not have recently occurred...

(darkened room, only light from TV screen... gay porn is playing)

kiss, kiss, fumble, mumble mumble
Yeah, that one looks good. Lets watch THAT one.
Oh fuck yeah! That's hot!
Oh, gahhhhmmmm, slurpy slurp, suck tweak suck
(gag-- gag-- tears)
Oh yeah mmmmm, suck it, oh OH yeah
Lookit that- shit! They're brothers?? oh fuck thats hot!
slurpy slurp suck
oh fuck yeah-- gimme that
sniiiiiiifffffff
lube lube lube, crinkle, tear, crinkle
snap
lube lube
sniiiiiffffff
oh yeah, mmmmm, OH FUCK! Oh fuck yeah!
ridey ridey, jacky jacky
sniiiifffff
rock rock bounce bounce rock, ride ride
Fuckin jack me, dammit.
Oh GOD- DAMN that hurts good!
Fuck oh FUCK OH FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get it out of me. Now.

Slooorrrrrp.

Ow. oh God damn.

Damn.

Go Duke Lacrosse!

2007-04-12T07:40:00.000-04:00

So the Lacrosse Boys are innocent.

Shocker.

This is the engorged tick of a story that is once again sucking the life out of the entire Triangle area of North Carolina (especially Durham). We've lived with this case lurking about for over a year now. Jebus, you couldn't swing a dead stripper around a pole without hitting someone doing a story about the Duke Lacrosse Rape case.

And in the end, the case was dropped. Anyone who lives in Durham could've told you months ago that this was going to happen months. There was just no evidence of the crime, and the case should never have been built. The shady D.A. pushed it so hard just to gain reelection-- and now he's being investigated.

Oh, how the scales of Justice tip and sway!

However, I'm slightly disappointed in the outcome. I was hoping these boys would go to jail. You KNOW what they do to rapists in jail, right? And these boys... mmmmm, they would have been passed around like a bong at a Florida State frat party.

(or perhaps I should have said, "Passed around like a stripper at a Duke Lacrosse party?")

Work is Hell

2007-04-10T07:59:00.000-04:00

I think Matt Groening said it best:

Work is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

Wait... that might be love. Works either way though.

I very nearly stayed in bed today. My alarm went off at 6 and I hit the snooze three times. After the third, I was just laying in bed thinking about how much I wanted to sleep in and how little I wanted to go to work today.

I came so close to justifying calling in for a vacation day. I could sleep in. I could take care of that pesky DNV issue. I could work on music. I could clean my house for all the visitors that I will be receiving this month. I could jack off.

I think it was a sign. An unheeded sign.

As it was, I finally sighed and came to the realization that I couldn't hide from my worklife. So I hauled my fat ass out of bed and managed to pull it together enough to get to work today. And instantly regretted it.

First thing I was approaced by one of my employees who was distraught. She had heard from "little boss" that "big bossy" was trying to get rid of me and that I might be leaving the department. This was all news to me, which I told my employee.

Evidently I am now the subject of gossip in my own department- and its one of my bosses doing the gossiping with my staff. How nice.

After the councelling session, I got informed by another individual that I have two non-functioning pieces of equipment that I need to fix. And that we are not able to keep up with the data entry for an important 'big bossy' project.

And as I type this, its only 8:17 am and I haven't had any coffee.

Hark! The ice weasels approacheth.

Gutter Fuck Redux

2007-04-10T07:40:00.000-04:00

The gutter people came again yesterday- what a fucking joke.

Scheduled arrival time: 6 pm
Actual arrival time: 7 pm
Time spent remeasuring: 10 minutes
Quote for the "special" gutters: STILL over 5K
Adjusted quote for just regular gutters: $3600

I thanked the man for his time, and told him I'd be back in touch after I got two more quotes.

Disintegration

2007-04-09T07:45:00.000-04:00

Ever have those moments when you feel your life is spectacularly disintegrating?

I go through one of these phases every three to six months or so. When bills and projects and general life-dissatisfaction all pile up and reach some sort of critical mass. I think the whole gutter thing has much to do with it.

The gutter guy is coming back today at 6 pm, by the way. They wanted to 'remeasure' and to see about cutting out commission etc so as to REALLy get the best possible price. Like that's gonna work. At this point they are wasting their time, I think.

I also need to get my truck operational before my Dad arrives so I can move it so he has a place to park. I also need to get the jacuzzi fixed- and I don't know whats wrong with it.

Then there are all the regular bills to contend with.

Also my car has about 200 miles left before I need to get it in for service. At which point they will tell me that I need new tires-- which is yet another 1000 dollars. I also have to get new license plates. Don't ask about that one.

Then there is the whole "Steve" thing. We are having fun hanging out, but I get less sleep when we hang out. Also, he's a wonderful procrastination tool for not getting all this other work done.

I'm just overwhelmed a bit.

gutter fucks

2007-04-06T11:32:00.000-04:00

So the gutter people came yesterday.

To cut to the chase, they wanted over $5000--for just the gutters. Not even the covered kind, as those were over 7 grand.

Five Grand for gutters-- are you fucking KIDDING me???

Little did I know when I agreed to have these people come to my house that I was in for the 'new car experience'. New car experiences piss me off. I really don't think that I can express exactly how much I loathe the whole "haggle and dicker" aspect of the process. And I wasn't anticipating it, which pisses me off even more.

The company I called evidently is the equivalent of the BMW 's of the gutter world. I wish I would have known that going in, and then I could have cancelled the whole thing. But no, I blythely stepped right in it.

The first thing that pissed me off is that I told them that I had somewhere to be at 7:30 pm. No problem, the whole thing would be done by 6:30 they assured me. But their fucking sales pitch just kept going and going and going.... I didn't manage to get them out of my house until 7:40-- very uncool of them and it made me late for band rehearsal. They also pulled the whole "let me show you why we're better than the other guys thing. That should have been a tipoff right there... that and the delay in getting to the quoted price.

Then I had to sit though the whole 'let me see what we can do for you' thing. And here is where I wish I could be a mean person. I should have just said- unless you can get your price down to 2 grand and throw in a blowjob, we aint' got a deal. But no- I'm a nice guy (and they were ugly) so I let them do the 'call the manager' thing.

Just like a fucking car dealership.

Then its the whole, well, if we can put a sign in your yard and put you on our referral list, then we can lower it to... thing. After three iteratiions of this, and it getting down to 4+ grand, I finally grew a pair and said, "Look. I am NOT prepared to sign anything today. I don't care if the price goes up because I'm not taking advantage of the 'day of demo' thing. I am not going to pull the trigger on this deal because quite frankly your price is still 2 grand over what I was anticipating and i have to completely reexamine my finances."

To their credit they still tried to work me by saying, "This is a really good deal. I realize its a lot and you want to think about it, but if you don't take it today, with the price increase we are never going to hear from you again, are we?"

And so I stood up, looked the sales dude in the eye and said, "Then I guess this is goodbye." And shook his hand.

Then the fucking manager called my cell phone one last time. And then i had to get snippy.

"Look. I really appreciate all you tried to do to work on the cost for me. But your price is just too freakin' high. I can't swing it and I'm unwilling to shell out that much money. It just isn't gonna happen. Thank you and goodbye."

Nothing pisses me off more than the 'hard sell'. I'm amazed I kept my cool as long as I did.

White Trash House

2007-04-04T22:00:00.000-04:00

I've recently come to the realization that I have become white trash.

It is a very sad and very harsh realization to be sure. But true nonetheless. You should see my house. I live in a neighborhood of older folk who keep up their homes and lawns. My house is the eyesore on the block. So much so that I have named my residence...

Chez Poubelle du Blanc.

The other night as I was watching TV, I heard a couple noises outside. It sounded like a squirrel on the roof or something and I blew it off. The noise I heard was actually the sound of my gutters falling off the front of my house. Yes, I discovered it while coming home from a hard day at the office. As I approached my home I see the entire north side gutter sagging like Brittney's labia.

So I have been forced to call a gutter guy. How much this will cost is anyone's guess. And then I'll be forced to paint the outside of the house, which is ok because the creamy-yellowy-beigey color is really hideous and the paint is peeling in spots.

Also, my lawn is a complete embarassment. The half acre around my house is a goulash of chickweed, clover, crabgrass, dandelions, violets, and the occasional yard onion. I think the small amount of actual grass is fescue, but I'm not sure. The only things missing at this point are an engine block and a toilet planter.

I have spent the last two nights mowing my lawn and then spraying it with a very unenvironmentally friendly weed killer. I think it goes by the name "Bitch Kill" or something. The label promises to kill over 250 weed varieties and yet leave the grass untouched (ah! just as nature intended).

Inside my house, I have a toilet that needs a new float mechanism, a bathroom that needs a new sink, and a stove that needs a new burner. I also have a wall in my living room that has been waiting for paint ever since I had a doorway installed and some drywalling done... 2 years ago.

If it weren't for the fact that I like sucking dick, I would SO not qualify for gay status.

Boner-tired!

2007-04-03T13:24:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been so tired that you find yourself walking around with half a bone-- and for no good reason?

That was me on Tuesday morning, after I got to work at 4:50 am. For some reason, my dick wouldn't behave and I kept throwing minor chubbies. Naturally I was around people so I had to do the whole casually-hold-my-clipboard-like-a-trapper-keeper-so-as-to-block-said-boneage thing.

Here I thought I outgrew this in high school!

I ascribe it to my body not being fully awake yet. So it was sort of more like a piss hardon, or one of the semis you get when drowsing or napping.

cb doesn't do well when the first digit on my alarm clock reads lower than a 8. If its lower than a 7, I tend to be grumpy. Lower than a 6 and I'm an automaton. Lower than a 5 and I cease all higher brain activity.

the Nazi strikes again

2007-04-02T16:09:00.000-04:00

So my little boss (I have two bosses technically... my immediate supervisor whom I'll call "little boss" and the evil overlord whom I'll call "big bossy") came into my office first thing today with a directive coming from Big Bossy. I was directed to remove all "offensive material" from my office.

I asked him, "What, praytell, is this "offensive material"?"

This material, as it turns out, was Happy Bunny.

I had a flip book on my desk of Happy Bunny phrases. My favorite of which was "Since you're gross, shouldn't you be smart?" This evidently qualifies as offensive material in the esteemed robot overlord's eyes (may Allah smile on her forever).

So I removed it.

And then I looked at my Hello Kitty speakers-- could be offensive to Muslims and Hindus... so I took them down.

I also had a Magic 8 ball on my desk (but since this speaks of the Occult, it may be offensive to the christians that I work with, so I took that away too.

Then there was my "Successories" calendar that I put up as a joke. Personally I find these platitudes offensive, so I removed that.

The pictures of the Hurricane's winning the Stanley Cup? Gone. After all, i work with a lot of Red Wing fans... they could be offended by the Canes hoisting the trophy.

I ended up pulling everything down.

And then posting a sign on my door. The sign reads:

Caution! Now entering a sterile* work environment.

And in tiny type at the bottom of the page:
*Any personal items, fun material, and/or instances of individuality should be reported immediately.

Gosh, my ass is SORE!

2007-04-02T10:25:00.000-04:00

Sore from bike riding, that is.

I know what all you readers were thinking- and shame on you for that! Dirty-minded perverts, all of you!

Steve and I did some outdoor activities this weekend. We went for a long walk with his dog on Saturday afternoon and let her swim in the lake. (She's a real cutie!) We also did some shopping and errand running (for a bikerack, etc). Grabbed a pizza, watched parts of some shitty movies, and then called it a night.

On Sunday we went for a nice, long bikeride in a nearby state park. Now I haven't ridden my bike in years-- at least not much more than about my neighborhood, and definitely not in the past 9 months. He hasn't ridden much since rehabilitating his leg from a severe break and multiple surgeries. Needless to say the ride was interesting. My legs are fine today, and I didn't get overly winded because I tend to do cardio (even though i'm fat right now). But my ass... wow.

That damn bikeseat bruised my ass bones and my taint something fierce!

As predicted by all you dirty folk, I AM having difficulty sitting today. But not from playing 'hide the sausage'. You will be pleased to note that I did not give up my Poo-terus this weekend as I was initially planning.

It just wasn't the time. Plus, I've been sorta in "exit only" mode for awhile now.

Other than that, the weekend was nice. Not stressful, no binge drinking, got some exercise, etc. But I still haven't managed to purchase a flat screen TV- every time I get close, I talk myself out of it by telling myself there are better ways to spend my money.

And time.

Hot Hunk Haiku # 1,237

2007-03-30T07:30:00.000-04:00

Stubbled Designer
Hot clothing and molten sex
You give great Gucci

Whoa- that's a large one

2007-03-29T10:21:00.000-04:00

So, the boy and I have another date this coming Saturday.

We technically had two dates this past weekend: one Friday night into Saturday day, and then one Saturday night into early Sunday. Both were fun and good. So much so that we have thrown caution to the wind and we are doing it again this Saturday.

The boy-- whom we shall call Steve (for that's his name) is actually having a birthday today. However, he will be celebrating it on Friday with his friends. This may preclude an early get-together on Saturday, as I bet he will be hanging just a bit.

Speaking of 'hanging'...

Since its his birthday, and I really have only just met him, I am in a bit of a pickle as to what to get him. If anything. Technically I think it is bad form to ignore the birthday completely, so I already sent an eCard (hallmark- when you care enough to send the very best but don't care enough to pay for it) and wished him happy birthday on the phone (last night). But my thought is that I should give him something a bit more personal for his birthday. And well, I was thinking it should maybe be... for lack of a better term...

my buttcunt.

The only problem is I'm a bit nervous about how it will go. You see, the boy doesn't just have a package... its really more like 'cargo'. And even though my nickname is Whorina Slutskaya, I still have managed to keep things relatively snug down there.

And when I say 'snug' I really mean water tight.

So, if anything is going to happen and happen well, I will need to do a bit of extra prepwork. This prepwork will most likely include me getting somewhat drunk, and then hooking up a popper intravenous drip of some sort. Also I've heard about anal numbing creams... perhaps those are in order?

Regardless, I will NOT be doing any bikeriding for a few days afterward, I'm sure.

Mola ram, sula ram

2007-03-27T16:43:00.000-04:00

This image accurately represents what happens to me on a daily basis now. The person in the image is a slightly better looking version of the person that is responsible for daily crushing my heart and spirit.

Ironically, this is the image that flashes in my mind as something I very much want to do to this person every time I have to interact with them.

I can almost smell this person's charbroiled flesh. It pleases me.

DudeService dot com

2007-03-27T08:06:00.000-04:00

While performing a junk email 'high colonic', I stumbled across several interesting websites.

Seriously, my junkmail box was chockers with (other than the boring car warranty extensions and credit report offers) solicitations from 'manly' websites. Lots of different manly websites actually.

Here is a short list of some of the interesting ones:

bearlocator
biggercity
gayroughnecks
gaycowboys
hotjockstraps
meninjocks
bigmusclebears
topforty
dudeservice

Ahem. So what precisely does this say about my internet habits?

Dilemma

2007-03-26T08:25:00.000-04:00

So, my dates (yes plurual) went well this weekend. We got together both Friday and Saturday night and had fun both nights. Saturday was much more low-key than Friday, but we still went out for sushi and then went to my place to watch a movie.

He's super nice, has a great job, great blue eyes, great body, great dog, etc. Things flowed very easily when we were together- conversation was easy, sitting on a couch was easy, lying in bed was easy...

I think we like the same type movies, both drink coffee (although he is a fan of starbucks), both like to eat the same types of food (sushi, thai, indian, pizza, snacks, etc), both like the same type of sex (I think).

Christ, he even knows and loves Drum and Bugle Corps!

BUT...

There are some subtle differences in our lifestyles and I'm trying to wrap my head around them.

He is definitely more of a party person. I mean, I'm outgoing and love occasionial parties and relish being the center of attention at a cocktail party, but he has a strong group of friends that he hangs with and they seem to be a party crowd. Drinking, carousing, going to bars, hanging out in public, having fun, etc.

I am decidedly NOT a drinker, or really a goer-outer. I think I proved that while trying to match him on our first date, and I ended up sicker than a dog. Even now, the thought of more alcohol turns my stomach a bit. And then we went out for a beer on Saturday night and I had to smile my way through about 1/3 of a beer before having him finish it for me.

Don't get me wrong, alcohol is cool and I do love beer and drink it occasionally. But I'm about a three beer guy-- three beers a month.

Listening to his stories and to hear him talk about the fun he has with his friends, I don't think I would fit in well if I was ever introduced to them. I would be able to be jokey and fun, but I wouldn't be able to drink with them. I would be the designated driver always. And you know how much fun that is when everyone has a buzz and finds the same shit funny, and then there you are on the outside looking in.

I think we also have different free-time ideas. He rides his bike for exercise, and I would love to ride my bike more often, so that's cool. But he is also a video game person... and I'm more of a playing music or reading person.

These are all things that give me pause, and make me think too much. I know I'm looking WAY to far ahead, but its hard not to when you've been alone 37 and a half years. How do you not ponder the future? Do I introduce this person to my friends? My family? Is this workable?

Or is this me being desperate not to be alone again?

Spring sprung

2007-03-25T12:04:00.000-04:00

Spring finally hit in full force this weekend. Its been in the low 80's all weekend with sun and warmth and niceness and everything has come alive.

So naturally I've had to spend a lot of it indoors with band concert preparations.

All week the trees have been showing a hint of color-- like the leaves were just getting ready to burst open. And then seemingly overnight, they did just that. Today all the grees have a majority of that spring green look, rather than showing all that brown bark. The bradford pears are all full of white flowers and the redbuds are blooming in full force. And the dogwoods are just begining to open up.

In another week its going to be sickeningly gorgeous down here.

I wasn't joking about having a band concert either. Indoors of course. I have to be there at 2:30 today. I was in rehearsal from 2 - 4 pm yesterday for it as well. We are playing some cool and challenging music-- one piece I like in particular is especially brass-heavy which (being a brass player) I enjoy immensely.

I'll attempt to blog more on Monday- provided I don't end up in jail for killing someone at work.

The date....

2007-03-24T13:02:00.000-04:00

.... went very well.

Super nice guy. Great blue eyes. Certain pictures did NOT do him justice- at all.

We met at the brazilian steakhouse for drinks-- and had several capoieras-caphirina?-caraoke? (or whatever the hell they're called). Its like a brazillian margarita, but with a special rum and fresh limes. They are deadly, I might add. I got very tipsy.

After lots of conversation and lots of laughing (we shared stories about bad dates and stalkers and embarassing moments, and talked about movies, etc) we decided a stretch of the legs was in order. So we went to "Homegoods" and made fun of all the atrocious crap that seems to populate this store. After a hotly contested competition to find the ugliest item, we both decided the winner was a pastel blue faux christmas tree made out of mirabou. Evidently its an 'easter tree'. Who knew?

I embarassed him there when upon seeing an entire display of ceramic and wicker roosters, I said in a loud voice, "I do like the cock."

We also had some fun winding up all the music boxes to make them play simultaneously. A serious female shopper looked at us in distain and said, "So this is how you have fun on a friday night?"

Bitch.

We then went to pizzaria Uno where we had a very flirty, bisexual waitress who was on exstacy or meth or something. We didn't stay past appetizers.

Dashed BACK to the brazillian place for some meat and another caphirina. Which turned out to be one too many for ol' cb. I did follow him back to his place as he lived close by, where I met his dog and I basically ended up passing out in his bed.

Well- sort of passing out. More like we just sort of got comfy, kissed awhile and then decided sleep sounded like a good idea.

I slept in my contacts for the first time. My eyes are hating life today. But I had a very good, very easygoing, very comfortable time.

So much so that I may see him again this evening after my band rehearsal.

Doppelganger.

2007-03-23T12:56:00.000-04:00

I discovered my body double at the gym yesterday.

Well- not SPECIFICALLY a body double, seeing as I would have to lose 2 inches of height and about 40 pounds. And grow my hair out (and dye it darker).

But still a double.

As we were getting dressed out, I noticed he had a leg tattoo. It went around his right calf-- like mine does. His was more geometric, but still, he had a tattoo there.

And then I saw his left shoulder. Yup- a tattoo there too. His extended downward to just below t-shirt sleeve level, but again... similar and asian in design.

I saw him see my leg as I pulled on my shorts. I could tell he was curious and pondering the whole leg similarity thing too.

Then we pulled on our workout clothing. We both had on black champion shorts, and grey t-shirts. I had on short, white socks... while he opted for the short black socks. We both had on grey and white nike shoes.

As I did my cardio, I watched him lifting weights. And every so often I would catch him looking over at me too. Not in a gay way-- more of a "wow, kinda bizarre in the similarities" way.

And no, I didn't get to check the goods to see exactly HOW double we are...

I'm in trouble.

2007-03-22T09:16:00.000-04:00

And no, i'm not pregnant (as if!)

I think I'm in trouble with this whole 'date thing' that is happening this friday with the cute guy from the naughty website that I started chatting with last weekend when I was bored and horny.

Oh, yes- there is a time and a place set for this "date". And I'm already stressing about it.

We've chatted a few more times and he is really easy to talk to. We laugh quite a bit over the phone, and joke around incessantly. He can quote the movie "the Color Purple" front to back (yikes, so can I!) and he dropped a little gem from the movie "Serial Mom" on me last night that really made me chuckle (I'm a sucker for obscure movie quotes and pop cultural references).

To use a sports analogy-- I think I've punted past my coverage.

Oh, and we may or may not have traded a few more pictures too (yowza!). Let me put it this way-- he's 6'3" and lanky... and we ALL know what that means!

And thus I begin to stress.

Actually, my stressing started last night during our phone conversation while I was stuffing myself with Edy's Girl Scout Cookie ice cream. We set the time (6:30 pm), date (Friday), place (Brasa, a brazillian steakhouse bar- with option for food).

Fuck.

What am I going to wear? I have to look put together, but not TOO put together. You know? I can't look as if I tried too hard, but like I still tried. And this isn't exactly a burger joint, either.

I have no good clothing to wear, as all my clothing gets worn to work and I work in a smelly, oily environment. Plus I have no decent black clothes in which to hide my fatness (other than the caftan, but its at the cleaners!)

I will have to wear boots of some kind, to compensate for the 3 inches of height difference, but the only decent boots I have are brown. This naturally requires a brown belt- all of which will definitely negate my ability to wear anything black.

I have an ingrown hair in my goatee that is creating a beautiful, subterranean behemoth of a zit. I hope it doesn't take over my entire lower jaw by friday.

I recently shaved my head (well, buzzed it anyway) and now I regret that decision as I no longer have any hair to style for this date. And it would have been nice to work some good hair product (ostensibly to draw attention upward, away from zitzilla).

See? I'm in trouble.

Black, Black Wednesday

2007-03-21T07:51:00.000-04:00

And no, it isn't "Black, Black Wednesday" because I'm wearing all black today (which I am).

No, this is Black, Black Wednesday because someone that I work for has started back to work today. This person was out for a month and a half due to some semi-unfortunate (yet humerous) circumstances.

Lets just say that my work-life was infinitely better for these past, glorious 45 days.

And now that's over.

Yes, this person makes my bowels watery and my mood foul, and is directly responsible for 80% of my tension headaches.
And that fakey-fake "good morning" that I have to endure each and every day is enough to make the flesh want to melt from my face like a scene out of Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Do I exaggerate? Not so much.

So far I have managed to avoid the flesh-melting salutation, but it is only a matter of time. I know its coming from all the advanced warning I am receiving.

Seriously, the effect throughout the workplace is like when Bugs Bunny walked through the symphony orchestra, and all the musicians started whispering, "Leopold. Leopold!" in waves.

As feared as Leopold Stokowski was, at least he got his musicians to excel-- and not look for another orchestra to play in.

I got the fever...

2007-03-20T12:41:00.000-04:00

... for the flavor of a flat screen.

Yeah, I've had this fever for awhile. But since I don't even have cable (or satellite) how could I ever justify my love for a new tv? I couldn't-- until my price point was reached.

I was in Wal-mart (ew--- HISS-- EVIL EMPIRE!!!) the other day, and noticed that they had quite a few TVs on display. Including the LCD HDTV variety. I was instantly struck by an RCA model that had a fairly crisp picture. It was also 32" (that's the equivalent of four 8-inchers for you size queens out there!)

It was beautiful. And only around 800 dollars.

Yes, $800 is still a helluva lot for a tv... but prices are coming down. This gives me hope.

And who knows-- maybe I'll opt for the $600 version of the 28 incher.

P.S. I played my first ever xbox game at Walmart too... and I LIKED it! It was some driving game where you could crash into other cars to get them out of your way.

Um... what's a "date"?

2007-03-19T08:39:00.000-04:00

What? Me no understand word "date". CB confused by new word. Honestly, its been so long that I don't remember the last official "date" I had.

Oh wait, yeah I do.

It was the guy I blogged about last summer-- the one who met me for coffee, was full of himself and tried rather too hard, and then when we stood up to leave, a rubber cockring fell out of his shorts and rolled across the ground.

Good times.

Most of my dates since then have consisted of me arriving at said 'bachelor pad', getting undressed, and shagging like crazed weasels. Not that there is much wrong with this, it just isn't technically a "date" as much as it is... well...

fucking.

I had a lot of time to kill this past weekend, and while on that not-so-virginal website, I started chatting with a guy. A single, cute guy one year older than myself. And not only was the conversation good, it led to a phone conversation which was also good. No- not phone sex either. Just good chatting.

We decided that we must meet up sometime soon for a drink and see how things go. Oh my god-- could this be an actual "date" of sorts? Dare I dream???

The only unfortunate thing is that we met on this really-not-quite-so-virginal website. Where we may or may not have already seen nekkid pictures of each other.

And discussed things like fetishes.

This makes me think that this date will be comprised of one beer, followed by a drive back to one of our respective places for a shagfest. Much like all my other recent "dates"-- only with a beer first. Well, a beer in PUBLIC anyway.

Sigh.

When did I transition from being a funny, nice guy who would be worth getting to know to a slam-piece worth only one fuck?

Photo Sunday

2007-03-18T18:16:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I had kind of a shitty weekend. A shitty, do-nothing, uneventful, weekend. I didn't even drink on St. Patties day. I did however, get some new shoes (Simple brand) at marshalls-- along with some new Ben Sherman jeans. I love me some Ben Sherman. If you look closely enough in the picture, you can probably see some porn tapes on the floor-- which about sums up my Sunday.

Last week I decided to break out the old Levi Strauss jean jacket. Still fashionable after all these years. I think this one has been around since 1987 or so. The fade gives it away. However, I still sort of like them, and I predict they will be back in fashion in 6 months. At least down here in the South.

Spring is here- although you wouldn't know it by the 40 degree drop in temperatures we saw this weekend. It was 81 on thursday, 41 on Friday. I need for it to warm up so I can cruise the interstate with my top down-- you know, fishing for truckers!

Hot man haiku #18

2007-03-16T16:02:00.000-04:00

Jesus effing Christ.
Not only hot, but funny
Damn you, Gods! Damn you!

All Tapped Out

2007-03-16T08:02:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling to find suitable blog topics as of late. Partly because I've been swamped at work, and partly because my life is void of all things blogworthy.

But then I remembered something. This actually happened last weekend but I had forgotten about it until just now (ok, like 10 minutes earlier-- and then I logged on to blog about it).

Remember Kevin-- the guy that I liked and tried to go on a movie date with but he never called me back? The guy that doesn't drink coffee... or beer? Virgin guy?

Well, last Friday or Saturday evening I was on a not-so-virginal website where men meet to do not-so-virginal things to each other. I left my computer for awhile, and when I came back-- Lo! Two messages had appeared.

Funny thing-- these messages were from.... yes, Kevin.

The first message was merely a "hey" type message. But then immediately following it was a message that I found quite interesting (in a bit o' vomit in the mouth sort of way).

Message Header: Its Your Lucky Day

Body of message: Hey. Even though I am heading out for Florida again in the morning, I'll be back next week and won't be travelling for awhile. When I get back you can take me out on that date you've been wanting for so long!

Uggh. Really??

At first I was just going to ignore it. But then I thought perhaps I should reply-- its only proper online whore-website etiquette, no?

Reply: When you didn't return my calls and basically blew me off, I sort of lost interest in that date. Sorry.

Such is the life of cb.

Diet Soda and the South

2007-03-13T22:03:00.000-04:00

For some reason, unbeknownst to me, it is exceedingly difficult to find good diet sodas in the South.

When I lived in the Midwest, I had a plethora of diet sodas to choose from, and I kept the rotation fresh. Fresca, Diet Rite Red Raspberry, Diet Rite Kiwi Strawberry, Diet Cherry 7up, Diet Cranberry Gingerale, Diet Sprite, Diet Sunkist... the list went on and on. Christ, I could even get Tab if I really wanted it.

And then I moved to the South. Where I have a choice of what appears to be Diet Coke or Diet Pepsi.

Yes, there are a few others-- the south seems to be big on Diet drinks of the Cola variety. I can get Diet Rite cola and Diet Dr. Pepper too. And there are the Diet "locals"-- like Diet Wink and Diet Cheerwine.

My problem is the caffeine. I only drink diet sodas that are caffeine free at night so that I don't stay awake.

Recently one of my two grocery stores (there are two within 2 miles of my house) started carrying a little wider variety. I wonder if this had anything to do with me complaining to the customer service desk repeatedly about not finding any variety. I have managed to find Diet Rite Red Raspberry now-- but they are fickle about stocking it.

And then last night I found it.

Diet Squirt.

Quite possibly the best diet soda ever! Very grapefruity. Very tart and tangy. Refreshingly crisp. I love it! It SO completely kicks Fresca's ass it isn't funny.

I very nearly bought the entire stock of fridge 12-packs tonight (there were three). But I didn't-- why deprive others of the joy that is Squirt.

Plus, from a gay man's perspective- the name rocks.

Crybaby McCryerton

2007-03-12T08:02:00.000-04:00

I was a fucking blubbery mess last night. GODDAMN YOU, EXTREME HOME MAKEOVER!!!

Yeah, I chose to watch it (there was nothing else really on (except a good Simpsons featuring a battle royale over a box fort). The premise: Single mother of three's house burns down, during rebuilding process son is killed in car accident, then money runs out and house sits unfinished. Added bonus: son was an organ donor.

You can see where this is going already.

One of the daughters was in the car too when the son died (not his fault- driver swerved over middle line and got them head on). Daughter walked away without a scratch but basically had to watch her brother die- and subsequently feels guilty.

Mom and daughters miss son every day. Mom kisses a picture of her son every time she enters the house. Talks about the importance of organ donation and that she is happy in the knowledge that her son is helping other's live through his gift. Says she really wants to meet the girl who received his heart.

Whole town and school rallies behind the family to fix the house that her son helped design. Also donates money to pay off the mortgage. Everyone signs up to be organ donors.

Then the family actually gets to meet the girl who received the son's heart. Crying and hugging all around. Parents of heart girl talk about how great a gift it was and that they are so thankful that their daughter got a second chance.

Then during the home reveal, there's a piece of art on the wall. When they look closer-- its from heart girl. She's an artist, and the picture is a water color of a landscape and home- but its done in a way that the outline of the piece is heart shaped.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I had to call my mother because I knew she would be watching. She was sobbing into the phone- especially after the damn heart picture.

Wow. What a mess.

Go see "300"

2007-03-09T22:32:00.000-05:00

I've decided that modern cinema isn't a total waste after all.

Things have gotten so high tech with movies nowadays, that I find very little reaches out and grabs me cinematically. I mean, CGI is used for EVERYTHING, and the whole point was to make epic movies with an exceedingly realistic quality. The monsters look real. The scenery looks real. The talking animals look real. Everything has become so realistic that it has become rather boring.

So that's why I gravitate to what I call ExtraRealistic films. One might even say Hyperrealistic-- but I like the first term better. Like Extraterrestrial. or Extraordinary. Films like the recent Pan's Labyrinth. Or Sin City. Or Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow. All films that are visually set apart from our run of the mill action/epics.

Sure there are monsters and bizarre mancreatures in "300" and they seem realistic. And yes there are some campy moments. But there is this stretch and texture to the film that makes it all more fantastical. More bizarre. More shockingly beautiful.

Not to mention the absolute parade of manflesh in the movie! But really the movie is more than that.

The movie on a whole is visually stunning. It has beautiful cinematography-- even if the use of wheat fields is SO Gladiator. But the grainy, gritty texture and smoky atmospheres are brilliant. And then there is the gratuitous use of slow motion and what I like to call "the Graphic Arts Effects". The use of extreme camera angles, closeups, odd points of view, etc all give it the look and feel of a graphic novel.

And I LOVE that!

I can't type any more without giving any spoilers or anything more about the film. Just go see it.

P.S. Stay for the closing credits. They are beautiful.

Smells Like Man Spirit

2007-03-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

Mmmmmm, don't you just love the smell of hot boy?

And by hot, I mean temperature-wise, not looks wise. And by boy I mean generic term for male human.

Yesterday I was nearly incapacitated by a guy that I work with. Remember, I work in a factory that is about 70% male (69.9% redneck). A lot of the male workforce is in the 25 - 35 year old age range, blue collar, masculine, rangy, scruffy, beer drinkin', truck drivin', and generally pleasing to the eye.

This particular 'boy' is probably 25, about 6'2", 240#, and hunky gorgeous. We'll call him "Mack". Mack is a supervisor and because we were having a problem yesterday, he kept visiting me for help. I could smell him from about 3 feet away.

Not a bad smell, mind you. No. Qutie the opposite really. He smelled like he had lifted weights (which I know he does) just prior to his shift. And then perhaps didn't shower because he didn't get THAT sweaty. So he just slapped on some Speed Stick and then got dressed.

It was all I could do to contain myself. I felt like the fucking girls from the Axe body spray commercials!

What a heady combination of deoderant, sweat, hot body, clothing, weight bench, locker room, and pheremones!

I really hope he showers today before work. I won't be able to walk if he doesn't.

You can achieve your dreams... and realize your goals...

2007-03-07T12:41:00.000-05:00

Beefcake. BEEF CAKE!!!

The above quote was from Eric Cartman when he used the weight gain 3000 and blew up to Gilbert Grape proportions.

But I use it out of context to illustrate the reason why I'll be cueing up this weekend to see the movie "300". (subtitled 300 Boners by me)

I blame Greek Mythology for making me gay. I was completely into it during my formative years, and what with all those Gods, Titans and Heroes lounging around in naught but the barest hint of diaphanous cloth.... well, you can just see that I had to take about 12 moments during the labors of Hercules alone.

This movie is going to have everything a gay man could want. Mostly naked, muscular men in skivvies wrestling about with other mostly naked men. Cameraderie. Brotherhoods. MANhoods.

Sigh.

In fact, I think I shall endeavor to see it presented in an IMAX theater. After all, I always have been a bit of a 'size King'...

Pan Fully Restored???

2007-03-07T07:42:00.000-05:00

Enjoy the fully restored re-release of Disney's classic "Peter Pan"... including all the RACISM!

Your children will greet this film with a big "How" as the "Piccaninny Tribe" of Injuns dances and performs the hit number "What makes the Red Man Red?"

Fun for all ages!

Procrastination is making me wait....

2007-03-05T15:29:00.000-05:00

When it comes to certain things, I move like Heinz Ketchup.

And its more than procrastination, its laziness. Pure and simple. If there is something that I deem unsavory, I'll put it off in favor of doing anything and everything I like better.

I notoriously pay my bills late. So late, in fact, that i've had my power turned off before for failing to pay a bill in time. And this applies to any bill that isn't on autodraft. And yes I know this isn't good for credit ratings and such, Dad--- but I truly don't care. If I can't get a home loan again, I'll get an apartment. No sweat.

And its not like I DON'T pay off everything or have declared bankruptcy... I just pay them when I'm bloody well ready.

Same thing with home repairs. Or car repairs. Monday I basically sat all day waiting for an autoshop to put new brakes and rotors on my MINI. Since MINIs are unusual cars in this area-- it has required a lot of extra effort to get parts, etc. What a mess. But the brakes were grinding and it was time.

While there I got my state emissions inspection completed too-- it was only 5 months overdue. Now if I could only get that pesky insurance lapse taken care of...

I have home repairs that are really necessary too-- but I haven't done them yet. I also need to sell my fucking house, but I haven't done the repairs so I haven't put it on the market.

I crave a simpler life. Less junk. Fewer posessions. No home maintenance fees or yards to mow.

Mostly Good Saturday!

2007-03-05T10:44:00.000-05:00

Subtitled: How I should just never go out, Part II)

Other than the going out to the gay bars part of it, Saturday was a really good day.

I got to sleep in. I finished cleaning my house. I bought another orchid. I figured out the 32 bar section in the Third Horseman that has been plaguing me (pun intended... third horse... pestilence... plaguing me.... ha ha ha). Saw the lunar eclipse. Had house guests come into town for some fun.

I'm most pleased about the compositional work that I did on Saturday. Not that I'm anything other than a flat out amateur at this stuff, but I still managed to create something from an idea that I heard in my head. And I think it came out decently enough to get me fully gassed about it.

(here's where I lose you)

I was stuck on this section. I was, or thought I was, hearing a fugal thing going on. The trouble is that I've never learned how to write counterpoint or fugues or anything-- and this as you can image was hampering me quite a bit. But then thank god for my piano lessons. I had recently been playing a couple pieces (one Chopin, one Copland) that use hemiola (3 versus 2 feeling). Its a bitch for me to play, but BAM! Epiphany. I could USE a similar technique in this section--at least for the low brass statement!

So I did. And the rest of the section fell into place. Mostly. I still need to tweak it a bit, but its all there. Oh, and technically what I used was not-quite-hemiola as I was doing a 2 versus 2.5 thing.... its weird but you just have to hear it.

But then the day was sort of spoiled by going out. Not that the bars weren't fun... they sort of were. But going out just serves to highlight how alone I am most of the time.

First stop was Flex-- where it was Bear-eoke Night. Not that gay men belting out country songs and show tunes isn't a good time-- well, ok its not that good a time. When we arrived, some poor bear was singing Bohemian Rhapsody-- by himself. He had a good voice, but the whole "I see a little silloutette of a man... " section was just bad. Of course when we looked to see who was butchering it, we ended up knowing the guy! It was part of a couplethat we know.

(he even did the whole "any way the wind blows" part at the very end--- AFTER the song had ended, just to grandstand a bit. Too bad he was a step sharp on the last note....)

At CC's-the next bar- there was at least good dance music. And we did dance. And there were many very good looking men. All of whom had partners. Including the nerdy-cute guy who was severely hitting on me-- pushing his groin into my leg, etc. I asked him why he didn't have a boyfriend. His hesitation told me everything. So I asked him how long they had been going out. SEVEN years as it turns out. And he was looking to play on his own that night.

Sorry, wrong number.

And then there's the boy whom we'll call Mason (for that's not his name but his real name rhymes with it). Mason is cute. VERY cute. Intensely cute. I think he's a doll. Sandy blonde hair, blue eyes, beard, stocky, legs like tree trunks, ass as firm as a bundt cake... the usual. Super sweet guy. Good job-- although with non-datable hours. AND he loves drum and bugle corps!!

Match made in heaven, right?

Yeah, except for the one tiny fact that he doesn't appear to want me. He would hover around me for awhile, and then excuse himself to go wander the bar. And him not initiating any conversation-- yeah, that tends to give me a BIG ol' clue. And the 'never really looking at me' thing.

Sigh.

But at least he saved me from the horny, married guy. Guess I'm pretty lucky, huh?

Spring is in the air

2007-03-03T11:37:00.000-05:00

We've had a delicious spate of warm weather the past week or so. Temps in the 60's always make me giddy at this time of year. That and it makes me want to clean.

As I am having some out of town visitors this evening (Kev Kev and his roommate phil) I have even more impetus to clean. So I tore through my house last night and this morning and I have reorganized, thrown out, swept, dusted, alphabetized, and vacuumed to my greasy little heart's content. I always forget how much better I feel when my house is clean. And man it needed it!

Because of my "hopelessly single with absolutely no prospects in my future" state of being, i don't have to keep a clean house. I mean, why bother, right? Its why I've gained so much weight too. Anyway, my place had been degenerating all winter. I found old bills and mail dating back to October of last year! I tossed so much accumulative crap it filled my huge outdoor garbage can.

Now my place is presentable and I feel pretty good again. Perhaps I'll start working out more too.

Other signs of spring include the daffodils blooming in my yard already. Probably the crocus too, I just haven't checked them out closely.

Also of note, I have NOT killed my one remaining orchid, and not only is it surviving... it appears to be thriving! As I was watering it this morning, I noticed a new, small,green shoot at its base. Hooray! This thing hasn't bloomed in about a year so its time. I can't wait.! I've never had one bloom from scratch before.

It may be time to try buying another orchid!

Auntie Em! Uncle Henry! I'm an idiot!!!

2007-03-02T09:02:00.000-05:00

Tragedy struck yesterday afternoon, as a tornado ripped through the high school at Enterprise, Alabama. Several students died when the roof of the auditorium/gymnasium when the students were gathered for safety collasped on top of them.

WHAT??

You have got to be shitting me! What the fuck kind of school herds kids into a gymnasium or auditorium for "safety" during a tornado? That area is second only to doublewide trailers as THE WORST POSSIBLE PLACE to be during a tornado.

What the fuck kind of school administration IS this? Interior hallways, no windows, bathrooms, lockerrooms, etc are where you should go.

We had tornado drills as children where we lined up in the hallways, sat down, and covered our heads with text books.

I mean, I KNOW that Alabama is like 50th in education-- but wow. Really???

ANTM Returns!

2007-03-01T08:17:00.000-05:00

Thank Buddha! FINALLY some good TV!

I love me some Tyra. She's fun and beautiful. I would totaly switch for her. Ok, maybe not switch, but I would totally become her best friend and braid her hair and stuff...

America's Next Top Model has finally returned with season 8. I must say, I'm not overly impressed with this season's brood- but its still early. I had my early favorites (Sara and Renee) but both have turned out to be quite twatish. And the russian mail order bride chick (not joking about that) has just GOT to go. There's a couple plus-sized girls on there too, and I sorta am rooting for them. And then there's scary latina chick. She honestly looks like she's severely anorexic, but she takes a good pic.

A couple other women that I am in lust with are:

God Bless Rebecca Romijn-Stamos now just Romijn! I loved the X men movies because of her, I watched that damn Pepper Dennis show because of her, and now I sort of like Ugly Betty because of her.

And the heavenly Vanessa Williams. I went and saved the best for last with her. Damn she fine! And I had so much respect for her that have never even looked at her nudie pics (not that they hurt her career any).

Hot Man Haiku #7

2007-02-28T07:39:00.000-05:00

Fucking commercials
Ten Thirty Diet Coke Break
Damn, now I'M thirsty!

Retarded

2007-02-27T12:47:00.000-05:00

So a woman was convicted of defrauding the government by coaching her kids on how to fake mental retardation.

Really.

She started when they were young, and got tons of social security money out of the deal by having her kids "fake it" with social workers. The boy was still faking being challenged up until he was in his mid 20's!

How did they get busted? The boy went to traffic court to contest a ticket, and he did so VERY lucidly. And it was caught on camera. I remember seeing this story several months back when the video aired on some news channel (probably Entertainment Tonight or something).

Rumor has it when asked how she got the idea, the mom evidently said, "Well, after seeing that Corky kid on Life Goes On I figured if he could do it, so could my kids."

What in Gay Hell was she thinking?

2007-02-26T14:12:00.000-05:00

Text conversation during the Oscars:

Kyle: Just saw Jennifer Hudson. What in gay hell is she wearing?

cb: She hates gay people, so we got our revenge by making her wear that.

Life in Hell

2007-02-26T07:58:00.000-05:00

I really just need to stop going out on the weekends. Or at least going out with my buddy Frank.

It was Frank & Co.'s big idea to go out to this club called Hell in Chapel Hill this past Saturday night. According to Frank- every second and fourth saturdays of the month, Hell hosts a huge dance party that is a big hit with the gays. These dance parties were purported to be slighly mixed with straights, but very friendly-- AND the crowd was said to be 30-somethings.

One of our friends (an ex I call Richard the 2nd) even met a "hot" guy at the last dance party and they managed to go out on a date!! According to Frank, this guy (named James) was "just my type" and Frank wanted to set me up with him (more on Richard's date with this guy in a minute)

Even though I am highly skeptical of anything Frank says is fun (he IS after all currently dating someone less than half his age) I allowed myself to be sucked in. I agreed to go- mainly because I really needed a night out after a month of not leaving my house. So I got all dolled up, plucked and tweazed myself into a stupor, and donned my best "Kum & Go" hat. Damnit, I was ready.

So we arrived at Hell promptly at 10:45 (EARLY!) so as to avoid the HUGE line that would surely be forming in the next 15 minutes or so. We of course are able to head right down the stairs and to the ID check area.

Immediately I'm struck by the feeling that something is amiss. It was the music. It was definitely not gay-bar-ish at all. The DJ (if you can call him that) was spinning funk/soul music. Don't get me wrong, I actually APPRECIATED this, as I don't tend to like the thumpa-thumpa shit. But I knew at that point that strange things were afoot at the Circle K.

Then we walk in. The early crowd was a mix of collegiate girls fresh from some sort of sorority gathering, 80's hair band rocker wannabes, and many MANY men with mullets.

I am not exaggerating.

The ensuing conversation went something like this:

cb: Um, Frank- I don't think this is a gay dance party atmosphere.

frank: Its still early. This place will be PACKED by 12.

cb: Yeah, but packed with WHAT? Frank, I haven't seen this many mullets since the last Indigo Girls concert.

frank: Trust me. Lets go play some airhockey.

So we began drinking and playing air hockey. And then foosball. And true to his word, the bar did begin to fill up... with college kids. Oh, and two white guys dressed as black rappers from the 80's replete with the Louis Vuitton baseball caps kicked sideways.

Fun.

Around this time Richard spilled the beans on his date with this "hot" guy from the last Hell dance party. James, as it turns out, does not have a car or a driver's license. He also evidently doesn't have two nickels to rub together as when he went to get money so that he could pay for dinner, the ATM ate his card. This is the guy that is evidently "just my type".

And so I kept drinking-- but the bar didn't get any gayer. Or better. Frank finally came back to our group after a bathroom trough visit and admitted to us that evidently the gay dance party had been cancelled in favor of the fresh hell that we were currently mired in. How festive for me!

Looking around, I began to feel very old. It was as if I had somehow stumbled into the past to a scene that I was familiar with but no longer a part of. Like a "Big Chill" or "St. Elmo's Fire" in joke that I just didn't grok. The whole thing was a stew of bad hair, big glasses, tight jeans, cigarette smoke and drunk children. In short, it sucked. Thus, I naturally opted for my best bitchy attitude and wore it for the rest of the time there.

frank (while groping and kissing on his 12 year old boyfriend): cb, you don't look like you are having any fun.

cb: Gosh frank- why ever would you say that?

frank: C'mon-- there are some cute guys here.

cb: Hmmm, yes. Cute. In that "Hey, I just got hair down there" sort of way. Plus they are all straight.

frank: cb, just enjoy it. Its a fun scene!

cb: Frank, this is so completely not my scene. In fact, I don't think you could have found a scene that was more ANTI my scene than this scene. Next time how about we crash a dance party of naked, lesbian pygmy cannibals. Atleast then I'd have death to look forward to.

frank: So, you're ready to go then?

(cb gives frank his best 'withering' look)

Needless to say, I didn't join Frank & Co for the post club, late night eats.

Cut-A-Head

2007-02-25T10:35:00.000-05:00

Behold Magnum! I cut his hair yesterday.

Background: Ok, so Kyle over at stagerightstageleft works for a prominent hair product manufacturer. They do other stuff too, but a lot of it revolves around hair. And they have all these fake 'practice' heads lying about. In fact, Kyle blogged about ordering these heads (I need 10 Kates, 5 Mellissas,etc)- he also spoke about carting them around in a bag.

One time I got a box from him- probably for my birthday- and inside, among other things, was one of these heads. This particular head is called Magnum. When I received him, he looked like Jesus-- only shaggier. I wish I had taken a "before" picture for contrast- but perhaps Kyle will post one for me. Truly his hair was like a foot long and his beard was many inches long. Uggh. NOT a good look to be sure.

Fast Forward: So this head sits in my closet for months. But recently I got Magnum out in order to train a baseball cap. And after all this cap training, Magnum looked rough. He had hat hair galore, and he was looking rather nappy. Which reminded me that I myself was getting nappy-- so I cut my hair yesterday.

And when I finished cutting my hair, I realized that I just HAD to do something with my little buddy's hair too. So I sat on the edge of my bathtub and started in on his head.

Let me just say that it was HARD cutting that much hair with a pair of dimestore scissors and a pair of wahl clippers. That and the fact that the head isn't attached to anything. I think that for real students, the heads are supported on a stand or something. I had to hold his head between my knees while I was trying to comb out the tangles (evidently Mr. Magnum hadn't ever heard of a brush).

I basically just hacked away at the long mane until it was a manageable length. Then I washed his hair-- ok, so really I just got it wet-- after the preliminary cut so that i could better comb it and try that whole comb-it-and-hold-it-between-your-fingers-to-cut-it thing. Yeah, that didn't work so much.

So I freehanded it. And these pictures show my results. Not bad huh? Its a bit Barry Gibb, updated to at least the early 90's in style. With no training I managed to take his hair from 1 BC to 1990 AD. And Magnum kinda got hot, didn't he?

Now I have something to practice kissing on...

Live. Die. Kill.

2007-02-23T07:35:00.000-05:00

An interesting segment on NPR the other day posed the question: What would you live for? What would you die for? What would you kill for?

So naturally I'm co-opting this and putting it on my blog. I need answers people. GOOD answers. And to start the ball rolling, here are mine:

Live for: finding that perfect man who's a blend'a Paul Bunyan, Saint Pat, and Noah Webster... with a ten inch penis of course.

Die for: A martini as dry as the sahara

Kill for: the right amount of money--say 2.5 million dollars or so.

But a close runner up in the kill for column is this motorcycle:

The colorscheme is Nuclear Blue and Molten Orange. How hot is THAT?

Attack of the Rainbows

2007-02-22T10:47:00.000-05:00

Ok, so yesterday must have been Rainbow Day or something. Not only did I see one in the morning when I arrived at work (created by the newly risen sun), but I also got to see one on the way home from work made by the setting sun.

As I was driving home, I encountered a light, misty rain shower-- but the sky was clear to the west. So I looked east and lo! A beautiful rainbow was keeping pace with me as I drove.

And this rainbow was extraordinarily bright and well defined. Not only that, due to the angle of the sun and the proximity of the rain shower, it appeared as if this particular rainbow was coming right down to the ground about 50 yards away from my vehicle. No pot of gold was visible, but I didn't get out of my vehicle to properly check.

This rainbow was close though! I swear that I saw this rainbow pass in front of more distant trees and houses and such during my drive, and I was able to view said objects THROUGH the colors of the rainbow. Very bizarre!

When you stop to think of the physics behind the light refraction when sunlight and water droplets align just so... well, rainbows are a pretty fucking cool phenomenon.

Not that I'm gonna get all rainbowy-unicorny on y'all.

Hot Man Haiku #24

2007-02-21T14:58:00.000-05:00

hot TV drama
scruffy with a Brit accent
you like getting drilled?

Random quick musings

2007-02-21T11:13:00.000-05:00

We are going through a very shitty audit at work right now-- if I still have a job by the end of the week I'll be lucky. Depending of course on how you define lucky.

American Idol sux.

Saw a rainbow on the way to work this morning-- sun was just coming up and it created a lovely half rainbow in the western sky.

Had a very good piano lesson last night-- probably because I jacked off about 30 minutes before it so I was all relaxed.

Its in the mid 60's here today and it nearly feels like spring outside.

All hail V Ger!

2007-02-19T11:11:00.000-05:00

What the FUCK?

Seriously girl, you look like the bald chick from the first Star Trek movie. You know, the one where she becomes the human voice of V Ger (the omnipowerful Voyager space probe).

Ew.

Someone needs to rip out her uterus so that she can't procreate anymore. We don't need her genes contaminating the pool.

Allah help me...

2007-02-19T10:09:00.000-05:00

I've been in the south too freakin' long.

I actually watched the last 40 laps of (and enjoyed!) the Daytona 500 yesterday. It was fraught with wrecks and drama-- including a 2 lap shootout to the finish line that ended with a 0.02 second victory and most of the field wiping out in a flurry of crashes. One guy even finished the race skidding across the finish line on his roof- sparks flying, fire burning! Boogety Boogety Boogety!

Most of the top drivers had shitty days including but not limited to: Jeff Gordon, Tony Stewart, Dale Jr., Kurt Busch, etc. What a wild start to the beginning of the NASCAR season.

And how sad is it that I KNOW this?

I can't believe I'm actually a NASCAR watcher. Not a fan per se, mainly because I still feel comfortable using phrases like 'per se'. But I do have a driver that I pull for (Kasey Kahne)- as well as my old standby (i.e. hot daddy) Bobby Labonte.

Gawd- the next step will be putting wheels on my house and a toilet bowl planter in my front yard.

My Windowbox

2007-02-18T10:08:00.000-05:00

has a chia pet.

Well... technically it isn't a Chia product. Its called "Grow-a-Head". I got it as a stocking stuffer for christmas from my father (or stepmother). My step-bro JJ got one too. JJ's has a face that is a bit blockier- which evidently mimics his head according to stepmom. Mine has the longer, thinner face-- which once again mimics my countenance according to her.

I promised I'd try to grow it. And wouldn't you know that the fucking thing has just taken right off. I actually had to give him a 'haircut' the other day.

Its ironic I'm cutting L'il CB's hair, as i've been cutting my own for years now.

Guilty Pleasures

2007-02-17T10:20:00.000-05:00

I've said it before, and I'll say it again... Randy Orton is FUCKING HOT!

Last night I found myself vegging at home, and what did I find on TV? WWE. World Wrestling Entertainment. It is truly a guilty pleasure of mine, and I love the mindless entertainment value of it all. Well, that and the abundance of Man Candy.

It was truly a fleshfest last night, as John Cena, Randy Orton, the Edge, and Battista were all featured at one point or another. Oh, to be in a Cena/Orton sandwich (while giving Batista a reach-around)!

The best part of the evening though, came in one of the first matches where this Irish guy was fighting "The Boogeyman".

The boogeyman is a voodoo priest type guy that eats worms and wears leather trousers. Fun! Anyway, he's getting his ass handed to him by the Irish guy. And then at one point in the match, while the Irish guy is distracting the ref, in jumps "little bastard" who is a dwarf wrestler dressed as a leprechaun. Little Bastard starts beating on the Boogeyman with a shillely.

Then out of nowhere, in rushes a "Little Boogeyman"! Another dwarf dressed identically to the big boogeyman- right down to the face paint and leather drawers- slides into the ring and attacks Little Bastard with a flying tackle!

When the dwarves started going at it, I nearly spewed milk from my nose it was so fucking funny! And I wasn't even drinking milk!

Needless to say, this turns the tide, and the Boogeyman wins. Then both Boogey and Little Boogey celebrate by downing some live earthworms. All the while the announcers are spewing forth commentary on what just happened. One was in disbelief and kept saying, "Where did little Boogeyman come from?" And then he said "Its like I'm seeing double!"

To which the other announcer quickly quipped, "Actually its like you are seeing one and a half."

I completely lost my shit with that. Kyle at StageRight can attest to this, as I called him in near hysterics and had to relay the whole event to him.

My speakers at work...

2007-02-16T07:56:00.000-05:00

I call this one "Hello Sunni".

And this one is "Hello Hindi!"

They are separated by my computer so that no conflicts arise.

Another Cadet update

2007-02-15T11:15:00.000-05:00

God, you would think that I'm a big freakin' Cadets fan with my focus on them in my blog. I'm not really a 'fan' per se, but I am excited by the prospect of their show (except for the title which is still stupid as hell).

They are also generating excitement with me by posting audio clips of what they are performing. The latest is a very jazzy production called Blue Shades by Frank Ticheli that you can hear here. The only unfortunate thing about this piece of music is that Santa Clara Vanguard performed it back in 1999, and they rocked the fucking stadium with it. Cadets take will be cleaner- but probably less in your face. And SCV's drill along with this music was out of sight!

If you can get past the annoyingly pervasive Dr. Beat driving the tempo through the whole clip, the rest of the music is pretty cool. They are sounding good and I'm very curious about their show.

Ah-- only 3.5 months until Drum Corps season!

Top Ten Disney Villainesses

2007-02-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

In honour of the anniversary of St. Valentine's death, I decided to do a top ten listing of my favourite Disney animated villains--- which just so happen to be villainesses (mostly). After all, Disney films are responsible for perpetuating the myths of 'happily ever after' and 'true love'. So here we go...

1) The Sea Witch. She was bad ass AND had a showstopping musical number. And she kept shriveled merpeople as a garden. Ew.

2) Wicked Stepmother from Cinderella. She defines the awful stepmonster roll.

3) Maleficient from Sleeping Beauty. She morphs into a dragon for christ's sake, how fucking cool is that?

4) Wicked Witch from Snow White. Must give her props for the apple trick and the talking mirror.

5) Medusa from the Rescuers. When she tells Penny the orphan "now why would anyone want to adopt an ugly little girl like you?" You just want to claw her eyes out.

6) Cruella deVil. Sort of a comical evil, she nonetheless was trying to turn dalmatians into a coat. Not cool.

7) Captain Hook. Classic villain. And a pirate!

8) Gaston from Beauty and the beast. He got musical numbers too, and he was fucking hot. But still evil.

9) Shan Yu the Hun (from Mulan). Mongolian BEEF! And he killed and burned villages, but survived an avalanche.

10) Jafar from Aladdin. Fey, but not as fey as Scar. Got a musical number. Probably fucked his parrot.

Honourable Mention: the hunter in Bambi. Even though you never see him, that shot ringing out and the silence afterward is absolutely chilling.

You know why they call it a cunt?

2007-02-13T07:41:00.000-05:00

Because thats the sound it makes when you KICK it.

Here's a short list of people I'd like to kick in the cunt (regular or man):

My big boss (for making my life hell)
George Bush (for polar bears everywhere)
Dick Cheney (because I think he'd enjoy it)
Karl Rove (twice!)
Al Franken (because he's full of himself)
Nora Jones (seriously-- why is she popular?)
Jerry Falwell (THIS is what the wrath of God will feel like)
Osama Bin Laden (no justification required)
Katie Kouric (because of that goddamn smile)
Kim Jong Il (he needs a good attack from the south)
Sandra Day O'Conner (just for fucking leaving the court)
Scooter Libby (who's leaking NOW bitch?)
Jennifer Lopez (lets face it- she just deserves it)
Dame Judy Dench (the facial expression would be priceless, I'm sure)
Henry Kissinger (just because)
Bill Gates (for vista)
Donald Trump (and I'd keep kicking until his hair messed up)
Angelina Jolie (for wearing blood around her neck)
Rev. Al Sharpton (because its black history month)
Condi Rice (because its black histor-ectemy month!)
Ann Coulter (I'd wear steel toe boots and use BOTH feet)
Halle Berry (just to kick the oscar up there...)
Jodie Foster (to see if she'd talk like Nell after)

Depression Spiral

2007-02-12T07:44:00.000-05:00

I can feel a melancholy coming on.

At this point I'm attributing it to several factors: cold weather, not working out, getting fat, my detestable job, working weekends, being alone, etc. I'm just in a 'blah' place again and I need to shake it.

My weekend was very uneventful. I worked a shitload on saturday, then did my taxes. The one bright spot was that I was supposed to have a 'booty call' on Saturday... only he never did call.

Thus my Saturday night was spent eating bon-bons and watching Saturday Night Live. And Mad TV (which is better). Oh, and reading a shitty gay pirate novel.

Sunday was much the same-- nothing much to report. I tried whoring online, but to no avail. I didn't even work on music composition this weekend-- other than banging out some crap on the piano.

Just another blah weekend in a series of blah weekends.

Oh, and I guess being single for a 5th Valentine's Day in a row probably has something to do with this too.